Mark Watches ‘Puella Magi Madoka Magica’: There’s No Way I’ll Ever Regret It

In the fifth episode of Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Sayaka rapidly adjusts to being a magical girl, despite that Madoka has serious reservations. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Madoka Magica.

I am going to need an iron heart to get through this, aren’t I?

So, I’m now aware just how dark and bleak this show can be, but that doesn’t make me feel any more prepared for what’s to come. While episode five doesn’t move the story forward all that much, I think it was necessary to set up the state of mind that both Sayaka and Madoka are in. I love that this show’s main character is not the one who chooses to become the magical superhero and instead chooses to sit out as her friend becomes a part of this new world. Now, the story is about Madoka’s growing fear that Sayaka is going to suffer the same fate as Mami.

I think that makes the scene in the cafe between Homura and Madoka the most important part of “There’s No Way I’ll Ever Regret It.” (That fucking title is teasing me. Goddamn it.) While Homura is definitely clinging to some secret about how she became a magical girl, she very plainly states why Sayaka is already a lost cause. I cannot figure out Homura, and the scene where Kyubey reveals he didn’t quite contract her makes her all the more confusing. Where the hell did she come from??? Is that part of the reason why she’s so against becoming a magical girl? Argh, I have so many questions that are being unanswered.

Regardless, it’s obvious that Homura has seen a lot of tragedy since she was made into a magical girl. Because of this, she’s developed a detached emotional state in order to survive. This, she claims, is why she’s still alive and why Mami is not. That sense of joy and pleasure that comes from doing good is a vulnerability. With this, Homura paints a brutal, unhappy existence for Madoka. She’s certainly doing a good job at convincing Madoka not to become a magical girl herself. But Madoka is most upset by Homura’s insistence that Sayaka’s unchecked näiveté is what’s going to get her killed. For real, Homura just sucks the joy out of everything, but she’s still alive, isn’t she?

Sayaka exhibits all the behavior that Homura describes. We see how fulfilled she feels the day after saving Madoka. We notice that she’s more confident and pleased. When she goes to visit Kamijo, she exhibits more self-esteem than she ever has in the show up to that point. All I could think during these moments was THIS IS GOING TO END IN A DISASTER. It can’t end well! There’s no way the rest of this show is going to be a frolic through a field of pit bull puppies. This is verified science. So I then expected that her entire interaction with Kamijo would end badly. Instead, I got a tear-jerking scene where he plays violin for the first time in years while his family and friends look upon him with joy and sadness. What the fuck, I am already experiencing too many feelings. But if this goes well, that just means something else will go badly, right? Right?




I figured that this episode would feature Kyoko more, given that she was prepared to take down Sayaka, but this was still so much to deal with. Not only does Kyoko interrupt Sayaka’s pursuit of a child-like witch, she insults Sayaka for trying to kill it early. Yeah, Kyoko only wants Grief Seeds, which are only dropped from “mature” witches. A witch matures by KILLING PEOPLE. So Kyoko PURPOSELY WAITS UNTIL A WITCH HAS KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE SHE DOES ANYTHING.

what the fuck is this show. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT.

This could not get more disturbing, and then Kyoko brutally attacks Sayaka. For a second or two, I actually believed that Kyoko would kill Sayaka. But then, as if I needed yet another plot twist, Kyubey casually mentions that because Sayaka wished for the healing of another, SHE CAN HEAL TWICE AS FAST AS ANY HUMAN. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE.

I am also VERY CREEPED OUT by Kyubey. I don’t like him and his manipulation of emotions through the use of his unending cuteness. He’s always at the right place at the right time to give someone the chance to be a magical girl. He did this to Sayaka and Mami, and now, at the end of this episode, he taunts Madoka with the opportunity as well: she can make a contract with him and stop Sayaka and Kyoko from fighting. What the hell, you are fucked up, you goddamn bunny rabbit cat thingy.

Thankfully, at the last moment, Homura shows up. Oh shit, did she take up Madoka on her request to watch out for Sayaka? I don’t know because CLIFFHANGER. Son of a goat.

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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