Mark Watches ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer': The Movie

In the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, HOLY GOD WHAT. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I can’t believe this is finally happening. LET’S DO THIS. This is, largely speaking, my liveblog of this film.

  • I watched this on Blu-Ray. It seemed so… superfluous? Well, at least the quality of it didn’t make it appear dated.
  • The opening scene that explains the Slayer/Watcher history is just… so terrible it’s good. DONALD SUTHERLAND, MY GOD.
  • Buffy was a popular cheerleader! I knew that!
  • What happened to Kristy Swanson???
  • The cheer sequence is really long.
  • LUKE PERRY OH MY GOD.
  • IS THAT HILARY SWANK???
  • I know that this isn’t the Sarah Michelle Gellar Buffy, but there is some nice continuity here. Buffy really was exactly like Cordelia at her last high school.
  • Hahahahaa, I can’t help it. Donald Sutherland looks terrible. Why does he just show up all wide-eyed?
  • It’s like all of the Whedon-y dialogue has been filtered through the Valley and then re-written by someone who never once spoke like a teenager.
  • Is that David Arquette? How were all these people in this movie and I didn’t know?
  • WAS THAT PAUL REUBENS???
  • Wow, I’m so glad that Whedon didn’t keep Buffy’s parents like they are here. It’s like the cool mom from Mean Girls. Well, I suppose that’s not so bad, considering that Amy Poehler could have played Joyce. Well, that’s just the strangest thing I’ve ever said. I’m going to move on.
  • Rutger Howard just looks weird.
  • You know, Paul Reubens as a vampire is awesome.
  • NOOOO, STEPHEN ROOT IS IN THIS MOVIE, TOO. The cast alone is going to ruin my life.
  • The weiner cut scene was just the weirdest thing, made even stranger by the fact that I’m pretty sure I just saw Ricki Lake walk by????
  • Wow, Benny died quicker than I expected.
  • What’s with Donald Sutherland’s accent? It’s odd.
  • “So you come with me now. To the graveyard.” Dude, your first impression sucks.
  • You know, Kristy Swanson’s Buffy kind of feels like the real Buffy. I can see bits and pieces of Whedon’s influence. I know that a lot of his vision was totally trashed, but I can still see how this is his.
  • Why is there a loon in a cemetery?
  • The vampires don’t turn to dust! BOOOOO.
  • How can vampires float???
  • WHAT IS THIS CREEPY SCENE WITH VAMPIRE CUDDLING?
  • The vampires in this movie are cheesy and campy without any irony or humor. Bleh.
  • OKAY, YOU THREW A KNIFE AT BUFFY’S HEAD. You had to show her what? I’m pretty sure someone with a lot of coordination could have caught it.
  • OH MY GOD, BUFFY ACCOMPLISHED THREE OF THE THINGS ON HER LIST OF THINGS TO DO IN LIFE. She went to Europe, she graduated, and she died. H E L P.
  • Training montage!!! HELL YES.
  • Does Merrick ever take his gloves off???
  • Okay, Gary Murray the Party Guy is fantastic. This is the most Whedon-y thing in the entire movie.
  • Aren’t the Doobie Brothers a 70s band?
  • The vampire Buffy is fighting in the alley looks like a bad Adam Sandler knock-off.
  • It’s fascinating that in this version of canon, the Watcher reincarnates over and over again, bound by much more vicious rules. It’s kind of sad.
  • “My keen fashion sense.” There’s the Buffy I know and love.
  • Do headlights just annoy vampires?
  • During the scene where Paul Reubens clings to Pike’s van, the subtitles say, “[Man sings, Indistinct]” and it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen yet.
  • That guitar fight lasted like three seconds.
  • This movie really isn’t good at all.
  • Rutger Hauer is completely unbelievable as an intimidating…well, anything.
  • NO, DON’T EAT THE KITTY.
  • HOW CAN THIS GUY BE PLAYING BASKETBALL? OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE WORST SCENE EVER.
  • Okay, this is all happening out in the open. Surely, this isn’t good?
  • Booooo to the “dyke” scene. BOOOOOO.
  • Oh god, I feel like I can barely pay attention to this. It’s just not very good.
  • THERE WAS AN EXCHANGE OF BUTTS. Okay, this movie was worth it for that one line.
  • Rutger Hauer is wearing lipstick! AWESOME.
  • Well, Merrick is dead. That was… honestly, I didn’t expect that this soon. His dainty handkerchief is pretty cute, though.
  • The tonal change in Buffy’s behavior when she tries to open up to her friends is done really well. It shows how Buffy has to change because of what she’s experienced, and how this separates her from her friends. Obviously, the series deals with this much better, but I still appreciate this.
  • “I am the Chosen One, and I choose to be shopping.” Silly, I know, but I like that we’re exploring Buffy’s identity. It’s about the only thing that makes this interesting.
  • GET IT? DAVID ARQUETTE’S CHARACTER IS A VAMPIRE SO HE CAN’T APPEAR IN PHOTOS. GET IT?
  • Rutger Hauer looks like Michael Douglas in this film.
  • Jeffrey, I hope you get eaten. You suck.
  • Okay, Pike showing up to the dance all cleaned up is kind of cute, though I don’t understand why they have him dress up as if he’s in The Outsiders.
  • HAHAHA THESE VAMPIRES ARE THE WORST.
  • This vampire fight scene is just awful, my god.
  • That dude looks like Seth Green, which would be hilarious if he were here because LOL OZ.
  • I JUST CHECKED IMDB AND APPARENTLY THAT WAS SETH GREEN WTF.
  • I do like the image of Buffy fighting in a dress with a leather jacket.
  • What is this fucking violin scene? Can you even play a violin with gloves on?
  • Okay, this movie is also totally worth it for Paul Reuben’s extended death sequence. BLESS THAT MAN.
  • I don’t get it at all. Rutger Hauer’s face is on fire, and I don’t get it.
  • Did the principal just assault a student?
  • There’s just no energy to this movie. No building of tension, no suspense, and I don’t care. Bleh.
  • Wait, I thought that Buffy burned her school down? I’m confused. I suppose I shouldn’t be, considering this isn’t canon.
  • YOUNG REPUBLICANS. Bless.

So that happened. Meh? Discuss.

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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