Mark Watches ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer': S05E01 – Buffy vs. Dracula

In the first episode of the fifth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, there is no way any of you can expect me to write about this goddamn episode after that ending. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Buffy.

Nope. No. No, you can’t do this to me.

Like, I get it. What we’re not prepared for is finally hinted at. And the show uses FUCKING DRACULA to make this point! THIS IS WONDERFUL! It’s a lovely line being really campy and genuinely creepy! Buffy has a source of her power that she’s never explored, that she knows nothing about, and that she just conjured up with her friends. And it might be a lot less moral and good than she thinks she is. Is this a part of her? Can she resist these tendencies or cravings? How much of what she’s done over the last four or five years of her life are of her own free will?

This is an episode about Giles finally accepting that he has no real reason to remain with the Scoobies, despite how much this hurts him to admit. We see him make plans to leave everyone and return to England, only to find himself face-to-face with Buffy. And she’s telling him that more than ever, she needs him and only him. She doesn’t ask Riley for help. She doesn’t turn to Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara, or Spike. She chooses Giles, and in that moment, he feels like he belongs. So he stays and I am overwhelmed by this? MORE GILES AND GILES AS A WATCHER YES PLEASE.

This is about Willow wanting Giles to remain. It’s about her using magic even more. It’s about her accepting Tara as her girlfriend. This is an episode about Xander’s continued restlessness, the self doubt he feels with Anya, and the worthlessness he experiences when he’s bested by another supernatural force.

I get it. This is a decent opener. It’s not my favorite one, but I like it. And I thought it was pretty cool. I mean, Buffy fights Dracula and kills him twice, even remaining behind to stake him when he comes back a second time. It’s Dracula. And Spike once knew him, and Anya once hung out with him. It’s funny to me.

And then this whole show punches me in the face because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. HOW CAN BUFFY SUMMERS HAVE A SISTER. HOW IS HER SISTER MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG. WHERE HAS HER SISTER BEEN ALL THIS TIME AND WHY HAS NO ONE MENTIONED HER.

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO CONFUSED AND SHOCKED BY THIS SHOW

I CAN’T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

JUST WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

How can you do that? Is this a joke? PERHAPS IT’S A JOKE, RIGHT???? Oh my god, my brain has melted help me what the fuck.

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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10 Responses to Mark Watches ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer': S05E01 – Buffy vs. Dracula

  1. Mr_Bernie says:

    And thus, it begans. Naq vg nyfb raqrgu.
    – Buffy seems to be… restless.
    – Buffy’s stunt double seems to be… obvious.
    – I’d let Marc Blucas could be my big spoon.
    – *look up his height*
    – well. only slightly shorter spoon, then.
    – dear god how tiny is SMG
    – and yeah I am aware of how this is not a new thing to observe, but I just now found out that Marc Blucas is actually shorter than me and lol forever
    – did they have money to blow on an outdoors beach shoot?
    – also right, beaches are a thing people living near an ocean have
    – erzrzore ubj fhaalqnyr vf arne na bprna
    – ‘throws like a girl’ get out
    – you are all sweat bigots
    – SPEAKING OF ELEMENTAL BALANCE OH GOD I NEED MORE KORRA
    – also Willow magicks are not a toy
    – aaand black dude gets his throat slashed first
    – what is your skirt willow
    – NO GILES DON’T LEAVE
    what is your skirt willow
    – always call, whenever you like? Giles, remember TIME ZONES
    – HEY JOYCE
    – HEY CHEAP CGI CLOUD
    – what is your makeup dracula
    – what is that accent
    – Okay Wikipedia tells me the guy is German and yeah, uh, I’m pretty sure Romanian accents sound different.
    – Also, Vlad Tepes had a badass moustache.
    – This scene is really boring. Dracula is really boring. Blah blah blah plot please?
    – fastforward
    – okay maybe you need to get a good actor in order to get any vibe of sexyness across?
    – subtle, Willow, subtle
    – what exactly are Giles’ curtains, anyways? I mean they’re very brown.
    – Brown curtains.
    – They’re brown.
    – okay I’m gonna fast-forward again.
    – and scenes.
    – sceeenes why are there scenes
    – I don’t really have any brown furniture. I mean, IKEA shelf wood brown isn’t really any brown.
    – I do have brown shoes, though.
    – I get it, show, very direct Dracula references in the plot.

    – I think an ‘uhuh’ or something would’ve been funnier than ‘take me to him’
    – aaaand here’s the cheese
    – aww, Buffy needs Giles after all YOU HAVEN’T EVEN BEGUN

    So, all in all, this is the worst opening episode of the first five seasons to me. The plot is weak and nonsensical within the established universe, the scenes drag on forever, especially when Dracula is on screen or he is discussed because that guy has no chemistry with anything and all the awed fawning is just embarrassment squickly gross to listen to, and everybody speaks really softly because it’s mystical or some shit.
    I think the only good part about it is Trachtenberg’s acting; I mean, I know I’ve complained about her acting and her character a lot before, but I think in this episode she really neatly manages to encapsulate everything we’ve seen of her so far.

    But yeah, overall reaction?

    • Rhiannon says:

      I totally agree, I mean, I’ve actually always been a fan of hers, and of her character, I think she’s always brought a humanising touch to Buffy, especially in that amazing third season episode. Not to say she hasn’t improved over the seasons – lol, remember the pilot? – but its great how much frustration she was able to get across in just one word in this episode. She was definitely the best part of this episode, which is just a big pile of silly. I don’t hate it, but yeah.

      Did we ever find out why she was only in the very end of this ep, by the way? I’ve always thought she could have been used much more.

  2. Virginia C. says:

    “Be back before Dawn.” ;)

  3. Shanna says:

    He he he he he he. I was waiting for this all day. Enter QNJA.

  4. clodia_risa says:

    You have summed up my reaction to this, once upon a time: That was a fun little..whatthefuck.

  5. Virginia C. says:

    “Be back before Dawn.” ;)

    Ah, the torture of watching just one… episode… at… a… time.

    As a person who watched all seven seasons for the first time in just *one month*, I feel for you.

  6. smurphy115 says:

    I have been waiting for this dose of unpreparedness since season one. LOVE IT! I forgot how awesome the rest of this episode was.

  7. Jessica says:

    It’s kind of strange seeing Michelle Trachtenberg in that ep, only because it looks like she’s fresh from her “Harriet the Spy” days. Don’t worry though, it will be explained. You will still be CAPSLOCKING everything, but you’ll know why.

  8. Dafydd says:

    Bwaha. Bwahahaha. This is going to be fun.

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