Mark Watches ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’: S05E01 – Buffy vs. Dracula

In the first episode of the fifth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, there is no way any of you can expect me to write about this goddamn episode after that ending. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Buffy.

Nope. No. No, you can’t do this to me.

Like, I get it. What we’re not prepared for is finally hinted at. And the show uses FUCKING DRACULA to make this point! THIS IS WONDERFUL! It’s a lovely line being really campy and genuinely creepy! Buffy has a source of her power that she’s never explored, that she knows nothing about, and that she just conjured up with her friends. And it might be a lot less moral and good than she thinks she is. Is this a part of her? Can she resist these tendencies or cravings? How much of what she’s done over the last four or five years of her life are of her own free will?

This is an episode about Giles finally accepting that he has no real reason to remain with the Scoobies, despite how much this hurts him to admit. We see him make plans to leave everyone and return to England, only to find himself face-to-face with Buffy. And she’s telling him that more than ever, she needs him and only him. She doesn’t ask Riley for help. She doesn’t turn to Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara, or Spike. She chooses Giles, and in that moment, he feels like he belongs. So he stays and I am overwhelmed by this? MORE GILES AND GILES AS A WATCHER YES PLEASE.

This is about Willow wanting Giles to remain. It’s about her using magic even more. It’s about her accepting Tara as her girlfriend. This is an episode about Xander’s continued restlessness, the self doubt he feels with Anya, and the worthlessness he experiences when he’s bested by another supernatural force.

I get it. This is a decent opener. It’s not my favorite one, but I like it. And I thought it was pretty cool. I mean, Buffy fights Dracula and kills him twice, even remaining behind to stake him when he comes back a second time. It’s Dracula. And Spike once knew him, and Anya once hung out with him. It’s funny to me.

And then this whole show punches me in the face because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. HOW CAN BUFFY SUMMERS HAVE A SISTER. HOW IS HER SISTER MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG. WHERE HAS HER SISTER BEEN ALL THIS TIME AND WHY HAS NO ONE MENTIONED HER.

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO CONFUSED AND SHOCKED BY THIS SHOW

I CAN’T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

JUST WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

How can you do that? Is this a joke? PERHAPS IT’S A JOKE, RIGHT???? Oh my god, my brain has melted help me what the fuck.

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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