In the tenth episode of the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I will never heal again. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Buffy.
What I’m writing right now is happening before I’ve pressed play on “Hush.” The only spoiler I’ve gotten for the entirety of Buffy was the title of this episode, the fact that it was nominated for an Emmy, and that it’s many folks’ favorite episode of the whole series. Many people who came to see me on the Intensity in Ten Cities Tour heard this story, but a friend spoiled the title of this episode when he learned I was watching Buffy. SOME FRIEND YOU ARE YOU DON’T EVEN READ MY BLOG. That’s all I know. I’m happy that I know not one second of what this episode is about.
This is a gamble I am taking right now. I don’t know what kind of Buffy episode this is, but I am hoping that I react to it. I am going to do something I have never done ever for Mark Does Stuff, though my AIM reviews with Kasper that I did during Twilight and Harry Potter might come close.
I am going to make this review my liveblog of “Hush.”
What you’ll see in a bit is a more extreme version of what I generally do when watching anything for Mark Watches. I take copious amounts of notes. If I have a fleeting thought or reaction, I write it down. I generally want to talk about all of the things, but when it comes to review time, I’ll pare down my thoughts to what I think is most important and interesting. My notes, however, are just reactions, thoughts, exclamations, and some of the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever written. No, seriously, I write some weird shit in my notes. I swear to you, one of my notes for the Angel episode “Hero” is, verbatim: “can doyle be a hedgehog” That’s it. That’s the whole note. I don’t even know where I was going with that.
Anyway, this review will look long because I’m going to put a double line space between each new thought/note. I’m hoping it will be readable, but if it’s not… I don’t know? I just really want to document my reactions, and I am dearly hoping this isn’t an episode where no one says anything interesting, because that would suck so much. Well, it’s Buffy, and there is always at least one good joke per episode. Wait, what if everyone likes this because it’s actually the actors staring into the camera for forty-five minutes? I would love that. Wait, I shouldn’t say that. What if I have the same power as Willow in “Something Blue”? Okay, fuck it, I need to stop having thoughts. It’s time for Mark to watch “Hush.”
omg buffy pay attention. I know Riley is cute but Professor Walsh is talking about awesome shit.
I HATED GETTING CALLED ON. I would only volunteer like Hermione.
HAHAHAH THIS IS TURNING INTO WALSH/BUFFY SLASH. BRING IT.
“Be a good boy.” WELL, HELLO.
Whoa, what is this demonstration? WHAT IS HAPPENING???? THIS IS IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS??????
I MEAN I LOVE THAT THEY ARE KISSING BUT THIS IS HELLA AWKWARD. OH MY GOD.
Wait, what the fuck. What the fuck is going on? What just happened???? WHERE DID EVERYONE GO? I AM SO CONFUSED????
No, when is it ever a good idea to go follow a kid’s voice singing?
Who the fuck are the Gentlemen?
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FACE? WHAT THE FUCK.
Hahahahaha, of course Buffy was napping.
I love you, Willow. I just need to say it. Again and again. She is spying on them. I love it. I LOVE IT.
“Tonight, you have crude oil.” “And homework!” BLESS THIS SHOW.
I love the way they look in each other’s eyes. It’s hilarious.
GOD COULD THEY JUST FIND OUT THEIR IDENTITIES ALREADY. GET ON WITH IT, SHOW.
Oh god, I am so excited for this episode. I AM. Did they take Jenny Calendar’s death out of the credits? I HATED THAT IT WAS THERE.
Buffy’s brain is an eternal mystery.
HAHAHA SPIKE. SPIKE IS EATING IN GILES’S KITCHEN. OH MY GOD. THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL. HE’S LIKE GILES’S TERRIBLE SON. I can’t.
Xander, do not fuck up things with Anya. SHE’S AWESOME.
“Thank you for knocking.” LOL.
HAHAHAHAAHAHA THANK YOU FOR THE ORGASM LINE, ANYA. I CAN’T. I AM CRYING.
“Oh, we’re not your friends. Go on.” SPIKE, PLEASE NEVER LEAVE.
“An orgasm friend.” HELP ME, ANYA IS FUCKING PERFECT.
Oh my god, shut up, everyone. Too much arguing.
WICCAN BAKESALES. Perfection.
Hahaha oh my god. Oh my god. Willow is a real witch. They are fake ones.
Tara, you are super cute. You’ll be dead by the end of the episode, though. THAT’S HOW THIS STUFF HAPPENS.
What the hell is that sweater thing Buffy is wearing? It looks so fucking uncomfortable.
VICARIOUS SMOOCHIES. Yes, Willow, we are 100% on the same page. NOW KISS.
Buffy, just come clean. DO IT.
Is the burden you bear being sweaty?
How have the Initiative never seen Buffy fighting a vampire? Or a demon?
“I am moist and delicious.” HAHAHAHA XANDER, I LOVE YOU.
Spike, I can’t. I can’t deal with how much I adore you.
OMG GILES YOUR FRIEND IS GORGEOUS. HOLY SHIT, GET IT.
Um what is that hand. No. No thank you.
THIS IS NOW HUGO.
Is he taking people’s bad breath? I’ll give that away.
Wait. Wait. Is he taking their voices?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING.
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
I’M NERVOUS. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. I DON’T LIKE THIS.
WHAT THE FUCK
FUCK THIS. FUCK IT. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I CAN’T BREATHE. WHAT THE FUCK.
I THOUGHT I WOULD BE LAUGHING AT THIS. BUT I CAN’T. I CAN’T LAUGH. I AM FREAKED OUT. THIS IS HORRIFYING.
OH MY GOD WHY DID I SAY THAT I WAS WORRIED NO ONE WOULD SAY ANYTHING INTERESTING. WHAT THE FUCK. I REGRET ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I’VE DONE EVER.
NO, THE SILENCE IS TERRIFYING ME. I DON’T LIKE IT. I DON’T LIKE IT AT ALL.
OH MY GOD THE ELEVATOR WON’T WORK. OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK.
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK.
WAIT LOL THERE’S A STAIRWAY LOL.
This is genuinely one of the most upsetting things I’ve ever seen. I cannot deal with how quiet this is. I can’t.
THIS IS A SHOW WHERE EVERYONE TALKS. EVERYONE. THIS SHOW IS KNOWN FOR IT’S DIALOGUE. AND NOW THERE’S NONE. HELP ME.
OH GOD IT’S THE END OF DAYS.
LOL OF COURSE SOMEONE WOULD TRY TO MAKE MONEY OFF OF THIS.
OMG Giles, the way you just reached out to Buffy. My heart.
Willow oh my god my heart is breaking.
Laryngitis? YEAH RIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK.
I kind of love the enormous scope of this? It’s not just one person. It’s the WHOLE fucking town.
HAHAHAH I’M SORRY THAT VOICE. Too much.
This is about people reverting to new forms of communication they don’t normally use. I can’t. This is too amazing.
It’s like the town is full of zombies. Holy shit.
HAHAHA BUFFY BROKE HIS WRIST.
OMG NOW KISS.
FUCK YES YOU ARE KISSING THIS IS LOVELY AND REALLY PERFECT BECAUSE IT IS A FORM OF NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION. SEE I AM SMART I KNOW THINGS.
No, no what the fuck are these things.
WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK !!!!!!
NO I LIKE ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS
WHY ARE THEY FLOATING.
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
EVERYTHING HURTS, SOMEONE SEND HELP.
DON’T LEAVE GILES’S ROOM.
DON’T DO IT.
THIS IS REALLY BAD.
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK I CAN’T. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. I WANT TO CRY.
PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP FLOATING AND SMILING. I SWEAR TO YOU, THIS IS GOING TO TERRIFY ME UNTIL THE END OF TIME.
OH MY GOD THESE ARE THE CREEPIEST VILLAINS IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION
I AM SO UPSET RIGHT NOW I AM JUST SQUIRMING IN MY CHAIR
WHAT ARE THEY DOING
I HATE THEIR EXPRESSIONS SO FUCKING MUCH. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THAT KID?!?!?!?! NO NO NO NO NO OH MY GOD I CAN’T DEAL WITH LIFE. I HATE THE WAY THE GENTLEMEN MOVE. I HATE THAT NO ONE CAN SCREAM. I HATE THEIR SMILES. I HATE THEIR TEETH. THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT THIS THAT IS ENJOYABLE.
NO PUT THAT SCALPEL AWAY. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. PUT IT AWAY. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING.
NO NO NO NO THE SOUND HELP ME
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WHY ARE THEY STEALING HEARTS. WHY WHY WHY. OH MY GOD THAT ONE IN THE BACKGROUND. I HATE THE SMILE. MAKE IT STOP. I AM A HUGE FUCKING MESS RIGHT NOW. I AM SO UPSET.
WHAT???? FAIRY TALES??????
Oh my god, Giles is giving a lecture. This is 100% perfect until the end of time. Hahahah I love that Anya straight doesn’t give a fuck.
Fairy tale monsters??? What?
Boobies? Really Xander?
Why do they want hearts? I don’t get it.
GILES, YOUR DRAWINGS ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE A PERFECT HUMAN BEING. FOREVER.
Anya, stop. Just stop being perfect.
Thank you for the best question, Xander.
BUFFY STOP MASTURBATING.
I can’t. This is the most genius episode of all time.
I don’t get it, Willow.
OH. THEIR WEAKNESS IS HUMAN VOICES. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
THIS IS SO FASCINATING.
HAHAHAHAHAHA BUFFY IS PATROLLING WITH WIDE HIPS. HELP ME I CAN’T.
Oh god, Buffy and Riley are going to run into one another. How are they going to explain this without voices? Oh, this shall be awkward as hell.
Wait, what??? What is Tara doing? I’M SO CONFUSED. Oh god, she’s going to die right now, isn’t she?
NO, DON’T LET THAT BE THEM.
MAKE IT STOP
MAKE IT STOP FOREVER
I WILL NEVER BE OKAY WITH THIS.
OH JESUS, BUFFY SEES ONE TOO. HELP ME. HELP ME THIS IS TOO MUCH. HELP ME. OH MY GOD TARA IS GOING TO DIE. THIS IS NO GOOD. OH GOD.
I HATE THE GENTLEMEN. I HATE THEM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. WHY AM I SO CREEPED OUT?
OMG WHAT IS THAT THING RILEY PULLED OUT OF HIS BOOT.
NO LOOK BEHIND YOU.
WILLOW ANSWER THE DOOR. OH MY GOD.
no it wasn’t willow’s door
I AM SCREAMING AT MY TV
HELP ME FOREVER
OH MY GOD
THIS IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EXPERIENCED
YES. OH MY GOD. RILEY AND BUFFY FACE TO FACE. THIS IS PERFECTION. THIS IS EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED FROM LIFE. OH MY GOD THEY ARE AN ASS-KICKING TEAM.
NICE SWINGING KICK, BUFFY.
Aw, a nice chilled cup of blood for Spike. How cute.
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH. OH GOD. OH GOD XANDER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE. HAHAHAHA THIS IS TOO GOOD. PERFECTION.
What a touching moment.
ANYA YOU FLAWLESS HUMAN BEING. FLAWLESS.
WHAT. WILLOW. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. YOU CAN DO THAT???? WHAT?
WAIT WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. OH MY GOD ARE THEY HOLDING HANDS? WHAT IS THIS THING I AM FEELING? OH MY GOD. IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? IS THIS JUST FANTASY? IS THIS HAPPENING????? TARA TARA TARA TARA WHAT IS HAPPENING
OH FUCK GO AWAY GENTLEMEN. GO AWAY. PLEASE GO AWAY.
FUCK YES, RILEY. FUCK YES.
NO. NO. NO NO. DID YOU JUST STAB BUFFY. NO NO NO NO NO NO.
STOP IT. I CAN’T
DO IT RILEY
NO YOU DIDN’T DO IT
THERE WE GO
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD BUFFY
OH MY GOD THEY EXPLODED
OH MY GOD I AM SO EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW
I have feelings about Tara and Willow and I don’t know what to do about them. Is this real? Like please don’t let this be taken away from me because that was the most gay queer gay scene ever and I need it. Right now.
It is so weird to hear dialogue. Oh god.
HAHAHAHAHA GILES IN PINK FLOYD.
Well, this is awkward. Please, can they just tell one another? PLEASE? You have the chance to talk, so USE IT.
Oh, this is amazing. That ending. That was just…perfect.
I am spent. I can’t. I just can’t. Help me, I am just so full of feelings.
Mark Links Stuff
– The liveblog for the animated version of The Hobbit is now live! It starts at 12:00pm PST on Saturday, March 24th.
– Check out my eBook store. Mark Reads Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Mark Watches Firefly are both on sale now.
– I now have a Lulu storefront where all my previously released eBooks are now available as printed books, including a complete edition of Mark Reads Twilight.
– I am going on tour in April/May to promote Mark Does Stuff in the western half of North America. Please RSVP for any dates and help find a venue! I need venues in: Los Angeles, San Diego, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Seattle, and Vancouver.
– I am on Twitter: @MarkDoesStuff
– I have a Facebook page for Mark Does Stuff that I’m updating regularly. Feel free to like it and spread it to your friends!
– I start Mark Reads The Princess Bride on Monday, March 26th over on Mark Reads.
– Starting April 1st, we will have official liveblogs every week for season 2 of Game of Thrones on Sunday nights. There will not be any proper reviews for these episodes unless I can find free time in between writing reviews and writing books.
– Starting April 14th, we will have official liveblogs every week for season 1 of The Legend of Korra. There will not be any proper reviews for these episodes unless I can find free time in between writing reviews and writing books. I am aware that the first two episodes air “early,” but let’s be real. Y’all are gonna watch them when they’re broadcast too, aren’t you?