In the thirteenth episode of the fourth season of Battlestar Galactica, STOP IT. YOU JUST STOP IT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Battlestar Galactica.
So, I’m watching Adama and Roslin be all cute with their coffee, even if it’s disgusting algae-ground coffee, and I’m thinking…this is pretty much perfect. Don’t you agree? Look how goddamn cute they are. LOOK AT IT. Look at Tigh being all awkward, and look how this moment of beauty is just everything I want from life.
AND THEN FELIX GAETA IS FREEING ZAREK FROM THE BRIG AND EVERYTHING AFTER THIS MOMENT IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER DISASTER. EVEN AFTER EARTH IS FOUND TO BE A WASTELAND, THESE PEOPLE CONTINUE TO DISCOVER NEW WAYS IN WHICH THEY SHOULD TEAR ONE ANOTHER APART. WE FINALLY GOT A HAPPY SCENE AND IT LAST MAYBE THE WHOLE OF FIVE MINUTES BEFORE IT IS RUINED. HOW AM I EXPECTED TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS? OH GOD, ROSLIN JUST MADE A JOKE ABOUT HAVING DINNER READY WHEN ADAMA GETS HOME. THIS IS GREAT. GAETA, THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE TAKING AWAY FROM ME. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS?
OH, WHAT THE FUCK. RACETRACK IS PART OF THE MUTINY, TOO? WHO ELSE IS ON GAETA AND ZAREK’S SIDE?
WHAT THE FUCK ZAREK JUST KILLED LAIRD. HE KILLED THE DECK CHIEF. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, TOM ZAREK. I MEAN…OH MY GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE.
NO, THAT’S NOT TRUE. EVERY MOMENT AFTER THE LAST ONE IS MORE TERRIBLE THAN THE ONE BEFORE IT. Oh, so Gaeta is in the CIC and slowly setting up all the pieces to have the Galactica taken over? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FELIX GAETA? I mean, thank the gods you didn’t involve Hoshi in all of this, but what a goddamn disaster. And I keep using that word because it’s not just a “problem” or even a “crisis.” With so many players and so many variables, what Gaeta and Zarek have set up here is absolute chaos in the worst sense imaginable. It’s a situation where–
OH JESUS FUCK SEELIX IS IN ON THE MUTINY. OH MY GOD THEY ARE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF ANDERS. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT, GAETA? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR REVOLUTION?
THAT FIRE IS PROBABLY FAKE, ADAMA. OH GOD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON. YOU ARE COMPLETELY FALLING FOR THIS RUSE, AND THAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOUR REACTION A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE.
Oh, Starbuck, you remind me once again why you are my hero. His call sign is Hot Dog, HOW APPROPRIATE, oh god this is the best thing ever. WAIT WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS NARCHO BEING SO RUDE TO HER, WHERE ARE THOSE CIVILIANS GOING, HOLY SHIT THEY ARE RAIDING THE SMALL ARMS LOCKER THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL. THERE ARE WAY MORE PEOPLE ON THE SIDE OF THE MUTINY THAN I EVEER EXPECTED. THIS IS BAD. THIS IS REAL BAD.
OH, FUCK, GAETA INTERCEPTED HER CALL. HE IS LITERALLY MANIPULATING EVERYTHING. Oh my god Gaeta, you are a genius, but WHY ARE YOU USING IT FOR THIS. Fuck, now you’re blocking Lee’s phonecall as well. This is so bad. This is the worst.
NO WHY ARE YOU ACCOSTING LEE ON GALACTICA. STOP IT HE IS NOT A BAD GUY. HOLY SHIT STARBUCK JUST KILLED THE MARINE AND THEN SHE KILLS SKULLS AND WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL INSTANTLY ATTRACTED TO HER???? I mean, it’s taken all of this to snap her out of her identity crisis and I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVED HER RUNNING AROUND KICKING ASS.
Oh gods LEAVE HELO ALONE. LEAVE ATHENA ALONE. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. No, like….I TOTALLY GET IT. Adama and Roslin, from the perspective of Gaeta and Zarek, truly are fucking up the government and any semblance of democracy! We have to put aside the fact that we, the viewer, have the benefit of seeing everything, so while we may think Roslin and Adama are right, the writers are quick to remind us that other characters are not as knowledgable as we are. To them, what Roslin and Adama are doing (especially Adama) seems like a drastic overuse of power for military purposes.
Given that, YOU’VE NOW TOTALLY LOST MY PHILOSOPHICAL SUPPORT BY KNOCKING OUT HELO AND THREATENING ATHENA WITH RAPE. NOPE, I WANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR REVOLUTION, GAETA AND ZAREK. That is why this is a disaster: Gaeta cannot control every variable.
OH WOW STARBUCK JUST KISSED LEE AND IT WAS KIND OF AMAZINGLY FUCKING HOT. Does that make me a bad person. NO OF COURSE NOT. Oh god I had totally forgot Starbuck/Lee as a pairing at all until this scene and now I am feeling things for them? BUT WAIT OH GOD THE WHOLE SHIP IS LIKE A WARZONE. Wait, has anyone every mapped out the Galactica corridors? I would be VERY INTERESTED IN SUCH A THING.
OH JESUS CHRIST THE AGATHONS ARE IN THE BRIG WITH ANDERS AND CAPRICA-SIX. Oh god they are just bargaining chips for these people THIS GODDAMN FIGHT IS DEHUMANIZING. Again, Gaeta, NO. NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
OH GOD YOU ARE CALLING IN THE MARINES WAIT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ON TIGH AND ADAMA OH MY GOD JAFFEE DIED oh my god my fucking heart cannot handle this shit. Gaeta just removed Adama from command. For treason. THE GODDAMNED IRONY OF THIS WILL NEVER FUCKING ESCAPE ME.
THOUGH I ALSO FIND IT RATHER IRONIC THAT IN THIS MOMENT OF TERROR, I AM CHEERING FOR ROSLIN BECAUSE SHE TRANSFORMS BACK INTO ACTION. omg she is IN CHARGE and TAKING NAMES and LOOK HOW FIERCE SHE LOOKS. I am not wrong about this. DO NOT CORRECT ME.
OH SHIT TYROL IS ON ADAMA’S SIDE YES YOU ARE FANTASTIC, GALEN TYROL. Wait WHERE IS BALTAR GOING TO GO. WHERE IS HE BEING TAKEN.
Oh holy shit LOOK AT ADAMA TALKING SHIT TO MALDONALDO. Oh, he is the honey badger of the Galactica AND HE DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT THESE MARINES THINK THEY’RE DOING. oh my god ADAMA YOU VERITABLE SUPERMAN YOU JUST PUNCHED OUT MALDONALDO AND SHOT HIM JESUS CHRIST. He’s just like FUCK YOUR AGEIST ASSUMPTIONS, I CAN STILL ANNIHILATE YOU.
Oh good lord, Roslin is trying to convince Baltar to let her use his wireless transmitter and they are both being passive aggressive as fuck to their faces and look I JUST WANT MORE SCENES BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. is that so much to ask for.
oh. oh. Roslin’s speech to the fleet. HOLD ME CLOSE YOU TINY DANCERS. oh my god it is the best reminder that roslin has the perfect heart for being a president and she is rational and reasonable and she holds her emotions close and she proves that you can be emotional and a leader at the same fucking time PLEASE CONTINUE BEING THE PRESIDENT OF MY HEART.
oh god Lee and Starbuck find Tigh and Adama AND THERE IS A GLORIOUS HUG. why do i love hugs so much WHY. oh god HOW HEARTBREAKING IS IT WHEN STARBUCK SCREAMS TO ADAMA THAT THESE ARE NO LONGER HIS MEN ANYMORE. I can’t even imagine that sort of instantaneous loss of power and loss of respect and JESUS IT’S LIKE THE WHOLE SHIP IS AGAINST THESE FEW PEOPLE.
oh god BALTAR IS CALLING GAETA. And for once, he is being so utterly sincere and he has tears in his eyes and HE IS BEGGING GAETA TO STOP WITH THIS WHOLE REVOLT. my fucking creys, this episode is just so terrible to my emotions. i can’t. I CANNOT.
OH MY GOD MOM AND DAD ARE KISSING AND IT IS SO AWKWARD. I am sorry, that is precisely what Lee and Starbuck are thinking. YOU KNOW THAT I AM RIGHT. I mean it is a beautiful kiss but you can see everyone go JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WE’RE IN THE MIDST OF A MUTINY, CAN’T YOU MAKE OUT LATER. No, they can’t, because THIS IS PERFECT. DON’T YOU DARE OPPOSE MY OTP I WILL END YOU.
oh my god Adama and Roslin understand each other. She knows if she stays, he won’t do what is necessary because he’s too distracted by keeping her safe. HE AND TIGH STAY BEHIND TO MAKE SURE THE RAPTOR GETS AWAY. this is the greatest love story of the modern age IT POOPS ALL OVER SOMETHING SHAKESPEARE WROTE. OR SOMETHING. OKAY I am being ridiculous, I know that, BUT THIS IS MY FIRST SHIPPER EXPERIENCE EVER. Though lately I have been watching old episodes of The X-Files and during a particular episode in season two, I actually screamed “AND NOW KISS” and then I felt weird inside. WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME.
J F C GAETA JUST ORDERED THE CAP TO DESTROY THE RAPTOR WITH BALTAR AND ROSLIN ON IT. no Adama was right THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE BRING ON THE RECKONING.
“It’s been an honor to serve with you, my friend.”
I AM COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROYED BY THIS SHOW. OH GOD HE ACCEPTS TIGH AFTER ALL THIS TIME oh god there is a flash grenade TO BE CONTINUED? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.
this show is going to be bad for my health. i know it.
Just a note about the schedule: Next week, there will be five reviews, including a review on Thanksgiving! I’ll have no problem getting it up. On Saturday, November 26th, at 10am, we will have a liveblog of the entirety of the “Daybreak” series finale. Not just one part, THE ENTIRE THING. That’s like three hours of BSG goodness, so plan ahead.
I’ll split the review into two or three parts to cover everything (probably three for the sake of having space to write a lot), and then we will have a liveblog of The Plan on Saturday, December 3rd at 10am. The review for that will go up Monday. We will start my super secret surprise miniseries either on November 30th or December 1st, depending on how many reviews I split the finale into. Which means….wow. In the second week of December, I’ll start Mark Watches Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Holy shit, finally!
omg so much fun stuff. There will ALSO be ridiculous silly liveblogs of New Moon, Eclipse, and, right after I start Lord of the Rings on Mark Reads, the Bass/Rankin animated The Hobbit movie.
so much shit getting real, y’all.