In the seventh episode of the fourth season of Battlestar Galactica, the fleet reels from the new alliance with the Cylon rebels, while the ramifications of recent events affect Tigh, Baltar, and Gaeta in different ways. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Battlestar Galactica.
You have to stop this, Battlestar Galactica. You have to stop doing this to me. You are playing with my emotions. You are making me feel things about a television show that I barely feel for some members of my own family. You are taking all of these characters that I love and you are doing awful things to them. You are hurting my heart. You are hurting my brain.
What are you doing, Battlestar? Why are you making Lee confront Laura Roslin? I still remember in season two when they were like best friends, and now it’s almost as if they are enemies. Do you simply not want me to experience joy? You don’t want me to be happy, do you?
Oh, god, BSG–can I call you that?–why did you just make the basestar jump by itself into the fleet? You are taking even basic operations and making them terribly fucked up. Do you want me to have a functional brain at the end of the day? Do you? Oh, you’re going to have Colonel Tigh order a weapons hold at the last moment, which might be explained away later, but looks terribly suspicious in the moment? No, what are you doing? What are you doing to me?
Colonel Tigh: Which one of them shot Gaeta?
NO, STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP DOING ALL OF THESE THINGS TO ME. Oh god, I just want Gaeta to be okay. BSG, why? Why must this happen? Why can’t you just give me things that make me feel like everything will be okay?
Oh, you are seriously going to go ahead with this entire plot of the humans forming an alliance with Cylon rebels, aren’t you? Six is in the wardroom. There is no turning back. You are taking my emotions, and you are crushing them. This is so bizarre; there is not a moment during this show that I ever expected the Cylons to work with the humans. Sweet summer child, Six is sharing the reality of the Cylon civil war with Tigh, Roslin, and Adama, and I am both excited and horrified, and maybe just a little overwhelmed as well. These are too many things to experience all at once. Don’t you care about my general well-being, BSG? Don’t you want me to be okay at the end of the day?
Even amidst the awkwardness of all of this, then you start to tease me with hope. BSG, we have been down this road before. I donâ€™t like it when you do this to me. Itâ€™s always a trick, Battlestar. Have you ever given me hope, and then delivered on it? Youâ€™ve been teasing me with the concept of Adama and Roslin being an actual couple for three seasons and youâ€™ve yet to provide me with anything beyond flirting, adorable gazes, and some cuddling. And now, youâ€™ve given me three things with which I am to be hopeful about:
1) I am supposed to believe that the Cylons will willingly hand over the Resurrection Hub to the humans to help them enact revenge.
2) I am supposed to believe that the Cylons want to pursue mortal lives to have a more â€œhumanâ€ experience.
3) I am supposed to believe that Kara Thrace might be referred to as the â€œharbinger of deathâ€ because she might lead the Cylons to their â€œdeath,â€ in the sense that they will now gain the ability to die if the Hub is destroyed.
BSG, you have taken all hope from me before. I am weary to believe you, but…but I just love you so much. Oh, I love you, BSG, but you are doing such terrible things to my heart. I do not want Kara to be the harbinger of an apocalypse, so please make this happen.
Oh, god, Adama is thanking Tigh. He has no idea. HE IS GOING TO BE HEARTBROKEN UNTIL TIME CEASES TO BE. How am I supposed to have a normal day after watching this, BSG?
Oh. Itâ€™s Gaeta. I canâ€™t deal with this, BSG. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared about me. Oh, Gaeta, I just want to reach through the screen and hug you. Why canâ€™t I do this? This is what you have turned me into, Battlestar. This is what youâ€™ve created. Gaeta doesnâ€™t deserve this. And now I hate you. I hate you, BSG. You are destroying everything I love. YOUâ€™RE THE HARBINGER OF DEATH NOW. How does it feel? HOW DOES IT FEEL, BSG?
Oh god, Iâ€™m sorry for getting mad at you. Because now youâ€™re having Tigh argue for destroying the Resurrection Hub. The ironic terror of this is not lost on me, and yet again, I am faced with the desire to hug fictional characters through a screen. You know, sometimes I want to appear to be an adult, BSG. I really do. Sometimes, I am okay with simply acting as if a fictional world is totally real. I honestly do. You, however, do not give me that choice. You are controlling my emotions, BSG, and I don’t think that’s fair.
Oh no, please stop it. Now the Quorum is upset at the announcement of the Cylon alliance. Oh god, Lee, please. Please stop antagonizing Roslin, you used to be friends, why can’t you just hug and give her a puppy and then everything will be perfect. Right. This is you I’m talking about, BSG. There hasn’t been a single puppy on this show in three and a half seasons. Not one. What kind of life do you expect these people to have without puppies? There aren’t even Cylon dogs. I can’t talk to you right now, BSG. I can’t.
Wait, you are having Roslin confront Tory Foster over sleeping with Baltar? Look, Tory Foster is pretty much on the bottom of my Awesome List (and it’s a really long list, since it includes every character ever introduced on this show since the miniseries), and I still can barely stand to watch her get spoken to like a disobedient child. And it’s not like Laura Roslin is in the wrong at all! Tory should have known better! But never have I even wanted the characters who are awful to have good things happen to them! WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO MARGINALIZE MY HEART, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA?
No. No. BSG. You…you can’t do this to me. You can’t. Felix Gaeta is singing to cope with his amputated leg. And his voice is one of the most gorgeous and haunting things I have ever heard.
You can’t do this to me. You can’t expect me to watch this and then function at all for at least 24 hours afterwards. My heart is not going to heal from this moment. Why? Why does this entertain you so much? Can you only subsist on broken dreams and shattered hearts?
Oh, Roslin and the lead Six meet with the Quorum and they are shocked into silence. I’m laying on the floor right now, just so you know. I can no longer handle the very idea of sitting upright. My very motor functions are abstract equations to my mind. How am I even typing anymore.
Why did Hera just tell Athena “Bye-bye”? You can’t. BSG, stop it. Stop it. I am begging you. Please.
OH. WAIT. IS THIS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL? Are you seriously going to have Starbuck help Roslin find out what the Opera House visions mean? BSG, eventually, you have to provide us with an answer, so….could this be it? Could this be the moment? Oh my god, I love when Starbuck and Roslin work together. You’re not going to ruin this, are you? Oh god, you are going to ruin it because you are a life ruiner, Battlestar Galactica. You’ve just added Gaius Baltar to this trip to the basestar? Is he going to ruin Roslin’s moment? EVERYTHING HURTS.
BSG. Oh, BSG. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with the final minutes of “Guess What’s Coming to Dinner?” I don’t know how I am supposed to go to work tomorrow and focus on things that have nothing to do with the Cylon’s internal conflict over trusting humans. I don’t know how I am going to think about anything other than Athena’s horrifying choice to MURDER THE LEAD SIX because she thinks she is the one who will take Hera away. I don’t know how I am going to think about anything other than the horrifying fact that once the Hybrid is turned on, SHE ORDERS THE SHIP TO JUMP AWAY IMMEDIATELY.
And I don’t know how to get the image of Felix Gaeta in his bed in the sickbay, sweating profusely, singing that sad ballad of his, out of my head. Forever.
Battlestar Galactica, what have you done to me?