In the third episode of the fifth season of Voyager, B’Elanna is tested. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Star Trek.Â
Trigger Warning: For extensive talk of depression, suicide, and self-harm.
Oh, I am just so thankful that this episode exists.
This was not necessarily an easy thing to watch, but it shouldn’t be. It had to be uncomfortable because it so openly addresses a number of things that are, truthfully, kept in the dark in our society. And it’s for a reason: there is a massive stigma on mental illness. On depression. On self-harm. All these things are viewed as signs of weakness, and we shame people into hiding what they’re going through. What’s the alternative? Even in a “utopia” like the world of Star Trek, B’Elanna couldn’t find someone to talk to. She tried to, but how could any of these people understand her experience? How could she expect them to sympathize with her response to this trauma?
And ultimately, she knew deep down that she’d be judged for responding to the death of her friends by… well, harming herself. That’s one of the worst feelings, isn’t it? The shame that comes from believing that those who claim to love and support you will suddenly stop supporting you if they knew just how crazy you are? And I don’t use the word lightly; it’s something I’ve struggled with for two decades. I’ve had depression since I was a kid, and I got real good at hiding it from other people. But over the years, that act of hiding has become unbearably exhausting. Suppressing emotions and feelings is a terrible, unhealthy coping mechanism, and I’ve had to unlearn all the things I’ve done to deal with my depression and anxiety since I was a kid.
And the shame is the hardest part. Even if people offered help, support, or a shoulder to lean on, I would distrust that. Why risk trusting someone if you believe they’re just gonna betray you once they know the truth?
Now, I’m projecting a lot here, filling in the blanks of B’Elanna’s characterization because I see a lot of my own experience in her. She doesn’t talk about much of this sort of stuff, but Roxann Dawson’s performance provides a lot of the context that you don’t see in the script. Look how easily she lies to Janeway when confronted; watch how defensive she gets once Chakotay starts getting close to the truth. Throughout “Extreme Risk,” B’Elanna is desperate to feel something in the wake of loss. And there’s something to be said about how grief is often this performative thing, and thus, if you don’t “perform” it right, it’s wrong. Since B’Elanna never felt the sadness, rage, or guilt that Chakotay describes, she convinces herself that she’s “wrong” instead of thinking of herself as different. That distinction is important! Like many people – myself included! – she internalized the narrative that there’s really only one “right” way to grieve the loss of people you cared for. It’s what led her to take those extreme risks in the Holodeck, to harm herself over and over again, all in a desperate attempt to escape the numbness she is experiencing.
This is a visceral and unnerving episode, but it’s just so good and so necessary. I love that they gave a main character a story about depression and self-harm; I love that they showed how difficult it can be to deal with it; I love that they showed that you can find support in other people, that there’s no shame in asking for help. (Maybe don’t force the help like Chakotay did; granted, he was probably furious after seeing a Holodeck simulation full of his dead friends, but still.) It’s a process, though I do hope that this is addressed in some form in the future. I don’t expect it to be, because of the nature of this show, but it’s a powerful story, one I’m thankful exists on Voyager.
The video for “Extreme Risk” can be downloaded here for $0.99.
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