In the twenty-first episode of the first season of Steven Universe, MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL THE SADIES OF THE WORLD. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Steven Universe.
Let me tell you a story about reciprocation.
This happened over a decade ago, after I’d dropped out of college but before I settled down in Los Angeles and began to work for Buzznet. It was a chaotic period in my life, and I’d just got over being homeless for the second time. But Los Angeles was brimming with possibility for me! I was starting to get back on my feet. Sure, I was jumping from one minimum wage job to the next; I felt like a professional couch surfer; I had been out for three years and was still single. But after I’d made my way north, moved out of Long Beach, moved out of all the suburbs of Los Angeles and made it to the city proper.
I started frequenting a gay bar. Ironic, yes, since I had long been sober at that point, but I craved being in a crowd where I could be myself. I use to go there after work and bring my notepad with me. I’d write out character sketches, crafting stories about the people who came to sit at the bar alongside me. Occasionally, I’d talk to someone; a guy might hit on me, and I always turned them down. I wasn’t sure I needed a guy in my life at that time, with my life in shambles, my dreams set on hold so I could make a living. But after weeks of sitting in the same spot (south west corner of the bar, the stool with the crooked leg), one of the bar-backs started talking to me. He was gorgeous, and I’d seen him practically every time I came into the bar. He was shorter than me, but he had that bulk to him that made him seem bigger. He said hello a few times, cleared glasses away, but never really struck a conversation with me.
When he finally did, he just wanted to know my story. Why would I come into this bar, never order alcohol, never talk to anyone, and just write? We struck up a conversation that day, and I stayed until two in the morning talking to him before walking home. This pattern repeated over the next month. I wouldn’t always show up when he worked, and sometimes, he wouldn’t be there when I was. But if we both happened to be in the bar in the same time, we’d talk.
I learned he was from Texas, that he had moved to Los Angeles because he needed to be out. I told him about Riverside, about escaping it and going to college in Long Beach before having to drop out. I didn’t tell him every sad detail in my life, but I mentioned that the last couple years had been difficult, and I missed writing. I was trying to get back to it. He told me that he was trying to write, too, that he kept a journal that he wrote in every day before bed. My attraction swelled at this admission. It bloomed in that bar, and before long, I wanted to see more of him.
We went running together a few times. Had a few dates over dinner, all of them lasting hours long, all of them overflowing with conversation. One time, he got drunk at work, something he studiously avoided, but it was one of the bartender’s birthday, and these things happen. It is one of the only times I have ever driven, and I’m still impressed that I managed to get him home. He kissed me, sloppy and hard, before he went in his house, and I did not kiss him back. It felt wrong. I told him as much the next time I saw him at the bar. He leaned over the counter and kissed me, long and purposeful, and told me that I deserved it.
We continued seeing each other. I got the job at Buzznet, and one of my first major assignments was working Coachella. I’d never been, but I was going to see bands like Depeche Mode, Tool, Sigur Rós, and Massive Attack live for the first time. I told him about it, and he said that he was a huge Madonna fan. It seemed so simple to me; I’d use my free entry to the festival and I’d use the money I’d saved since starting the Buzznet gig to buy him a ticket for Sunday. He was thrilled when I told them I could get him in, and he told me to hold on to the ticket; he’d just pick it up when he got there.
It was a whirlwind experience. I remember nearly crying during Depeche Mode on Saturday night because I’d grown up listening to them and never thought I’d get to see them live. When Sunday morning rolled around, I was nervous to see him again, but it was a joyous energy. I headed to the main entrance to meet up with him, scanning the crowd waiting to get in, hoping I could catch a glimpse of him first. He waved me down, and I darted over to him. He gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek, then gestured to the tall man who was now looming over us.
“Mark, I want you to meet my boyfriend.”
I have never spoken a word to this man since that day. He tried reaching out to me a few times after that, but I think that you can understand my reluctance to ever talk to him again. YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE FLASHED THROUGH MY MIND AS SOON AS SADIE SAW LARS HANGING OUT JENNY, BUCK, AND SOUR CREAM. It is heartbreaking to not have your feelings reciprocated; it is even more devastating when you find out said person used you to make themselves cool to someone else. The guy bragged to his boyfriend that because I’d helped him out, he could afford to bring him along. So my gift allowed this guy to bring someone else. I felt betrayed and used and smaller than a grain of dirt.
It’s a horrible thing to go through, and Steven Universe portrays it honestly. Because guess what? It’s still confusing to experience this. Yes, Sadie is furious at Lars for using her, but that doesn’t instantly negate all the feelings she has for him. She still likes him, she still wishes she could be with him, and she still despises him for treating her so terribly. So yeah, maybe revenge doesn’t solve everything. Sometimes, it can be cathartic, but in this case, it doesn’t solve Sadie’s problems. She still likes Lars, and now, half the town is on fire.
I admit to wanting to see Lars apologize, but perhaps his behavior will change in future episodes. Because seriously, STOP MISTREATING LARS.
Honorable mention: Okay, they weren’t Taco Bell training videos; they were WENDY’S training videos. Either way, props to this show for parodying them and giving me Harold Smiley’s full name.
The video for “Joking Victim” can be downloaded here for $0.99.
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