Mark Watches ‘Alias’: S05E01 – Prophet Five

In the first episode of the fifth season of Alias, I have no emotions left anymore. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Alias and get destroyed by it. 

Has an episode of Alias ever had so many plot twists in it? Please, someone, save me from what this show is doing to me. I HAVE SO MANY CONCERNS AND QUESTIONS!!!!

  • The opening of “Prophet Five” made me realize just how much this episode is nothing but one cliffhanger after another. There is so much left unanswered, despite that we’re starting to get an idea what this Prophet Five organization is and why they’ve been so secretive over the course of the show.
  • (Well, I also suspect that the Alias writers just created them either at the end of the last season or during the break between seasons. Which is okay! Y’all, I love conspiracy theories a lot, and this show just trotted out a ridiculous conspiracy theory with deadly consequences and I AM SUCH TRASH FOR THIS TROPE.) 
  • Seriously, I didn’t ever get to recover from a twist in “Prophet Five” before another one knocked me flat on my ass.
  • This is a visual representation of me during this episode.
  • You know it’s true.
  • I didn’t expect pretty much any of this. In the scenes post-accident, I assumed that I was right, that Vaughn would be carted off and stay unconscious in order to maximize the drama of his admission. I DID NOT EXPECT HIM TO BE KIDNAPPED. 
  • The emotional whiplash of this episode is incredibly effective, though. And for what it’s worth, I admire that the show doesn’t give a shit about our expectations. Oh, you thought that Vaughn was going to be taken away by medical professionals? JUST KIDDING, IT’S SOME WEIRD, SECRETIVE CULT WHO FIGURED OUT WHO HE REALLY IS! Oh, you thought Vaughn’s name was Vaughn? Just kidding, it’s Andre Michaux. HAVE FUN, WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE TO ADJUST YOUR ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SERIES. 
  • Oh, Vaughn got kidnapped? Surprise, he’s under investigation for being a possible double agent. What’s that? You hadn’t recovered from his kidnapping, either? TOO FUCKING BAD.
  • So, I was already reeling about fifteen minutes into this episode, and this never let up from there. APO is in shambles because of this, and no one know what the actual truth is. But I did love that Marshall and Dixon were so quick to give Sydney and Vaughn the benefit of the doubt. Look, it’s not like there haven’t been numerous double agents in these characters’ lives, and yet? There’s a sense of loyalty between the core group that is practically impossible to break. (Grumble, grumble, THIS IS WHY IT WAS BAD TO LEAVE DIXON OUT OF THE SEASON FOUR FINALE, grumble, grumble.) That callback to season one, where Dixon caught Sydney on the pier, was such a brilliant little moment. SYDNEY AND DIXON SHOULD INTERACT MORE, PLEASE FIX THIS ALIAS WRITERS. 
  • (I can’t actually affect this show, but you know what I mean.)
  • So, let’s talk about Prophet Five. Are they connected to Rambaldi in any way? See, I always assumed the Mueller device was a Rambaldi device, but maybe I just didn’t understand it? Regardless, there are some stylistic parallels between the Rambaldi arc and this one, particularly since they both concern ancient articles that have an effect on the present day. I have no idea what is in that book that Vaughn stole, nor do I understand why it is so important. Something to do with genetics? Which also feels like the Rambaldi stuff. I DON’T GET IT YET.
  • Apparently, though, the Prophet 5 group is so vicious in their protection of this information that anyone who gets close to discovering what this is gets murdered. LIKE, STRAIGHT-UP, NO SECOND CHANCES, YOU DIE. Which is why Bill Vaughn had his own name changed along with his newborn son’s. As far as I’m concerned, this addresses Vaughn’s “real” name and his double agent status. How Renee Rienn (spelling?? I DON’T KNOW) fits into this is still a mystery, but I assume that they worked together before Sydney showed up. That’s all we know: that Vaughn got info on the Mueller device from her and then… disappeared? I NEED TO KNOW MORE.
  • That is not all I need.
  • Friends.
  • I need some more. 
  • Actually, I just need one thing.
  • ONE.
  • THING.
  • FOR THIS EPISODE TO REVERSE TIME AND MAKE THIS NOT HAPPEN
  • I LITERALLY CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS REAL, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
  • HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE SYDNEY FIND OUT SHE IS PREGNANT
  • AND THEN TEN MINUTES LATER
  • VAUGHN IS SHOT LIKE A MILLION TIMES
  • AND THEN THEY HAVE THE BEST/WORST CONVO IN THE HOSPITAL 
  • AND 
  • THEN
  • THE
  • SHOW
  • KILLS
  • OFF
  • VAUGHN
  • NO
  • NO!!!!!!!!!!!!1
  • Who allowed this? Who do I have to write a strongly-worded letter to?
  • I literally don’t know how to talk about this. To say I’m shocked is an understatement. Alias has certainly escalated things faster than I expected, but… he’s a main character. He is having a child with another main character. This isn’t supposed to happen.
  • I don’t know how to deal with this show without Vaughn. I mean, I’m going to have to, but what does this season’s arc look like without him? What about all his knowledge of Prophet 5? Is that gone, too? Or will Sydney learn the truth from Renee?
  • I am so messed up. TAKE IT BACK, I HATE THIS.

The video for “Prophet Five” can be downloaded here for $0.99.

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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