In the sixteenth episode of the fourth season of Alias, I STILL DON’T GET IT. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Alias.
Help me, WHAT IS THIS SEASON DOING!!! I cannot figure out any of this!!!
I just need to truly appreciate this in all of its glory. This is the best joke provided by Alias, and it is the canonical name given to us by the characters themselves. I really, truly don’t understand what I did to deserve this joke, but I accept it. I accept it for all of us, and it is the gift that shall never stop giving.
Seriously, Arvin Clone
I don’t understand this. Y’all, this episode features a battery imagined by someone in the 15th century that, when built, looks like a giant, vibrating water balloon. And somehow—somehow!!!—it’s not nearly as weird as Arvin Clone. IT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING AS WEIRD. I cannot explain it. I can’t even theorize as to why someone who resembles Arvin at a distance would do all of this. Because as Sydney points out, it’s not just a matter of someone taking advantage of a coincidental resemblance. I could understand that. It’s like… way too good of an opportunity if you’re an evil overlord, I guess.
But this? This man—whomever the FUCK he is—has completely taken over Arvin’s identity. His mannerisms. The way he speaks. His unnerving aura. It’s so bad that Roberts flips when he meets the real Arvin. I JUST?!?!?! What the fuck is going on??? Is this happening just because this guy can do it? Because there’s another motive? Because Alias just wants to fuck with me? BECAUSE WHO CARES ABOUT MY FEELINGS???
Oh, Nadia. So, is it safe to assume that Sloane and Nadia never really found anything between seasons three and four? I feel like that’s where this episode led me, which means that it was Sloane’s obsessive behavior that briefly ripped these two apart. That’s understandable and definitely in line with what we know of Sloane. Instead of bonding with Sloane, Nadia got to see a terrible side of him, and it was only with the promise that he wouldn’t go back to his Rambaldi obsession that Nadia signed up with APO.
Which makes this particularly difficult for Nadia to witness. This is literally the ONLY THING he was never supposed to get involved in again!!! What’s worse is that for a moment, I almost believed him. I almost believed that Sloane had broken the spell of Rambaldi. He didn’t seem all that different after spending time in the DSR, and then…
Y’all, once he was in the presence of that “battery,” he just changed. It was so sudden and terrifying. It was a transformation. In a matter of seconds, he was right back to that obsessive self he used to be. Even writing that seems weird because… hell, what if he really did change? What if Nadia’s presence motivated him to finally abandon all these terrible tendencies of his, and this is what triggers a relapse, a regression? What if he wasn’t lying about his personal growth??? I HATE THIS, OKAY, IT GOES AGAINST ALL MY SENSIBILITIES. Of course, we can’t forget that Sloane is still plotting some sort of manipulative scheme with Jack, so… there’s that? I guess??? Well, there’s that and Sloane’s brutal murder of Carter, which… good fucking gods, y’all. It was like he was offended that Carter didn’t understand the true purpose of Rambaldi. (And what was that bit about not being worthy?) Oh my god, he’s back in, isn’t he? He’s not going to be able to stop.
And for what? What’s the endgame??? WE STILL DON’T KNOW. After four years, I couldn’t provide you with the possible end to all of this, but I suspect that we’re close to something. But for now, I just need to know who the FUCK Arvin Clone is. That’s more important.
The video for “Another Mister Sloane” can be downloaded here for $0.99.
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