Mark Watches ‘Voyager’: S03E05 – False Profits

In the fifth episode of the third season of Voyager, the crew finds a possible method back to the Alpha Quadrant, at least until they realize that it comes with bizarre complications. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Star Trek. 

Well, I’m happy to report that Voyager is still weird as hell in season 3. Somehow, “False Profits” is both a parody and a serious application of the Prime Directive. It’s not perfect – most Ferengi episodes suffer from something, though I recognize that I’m biased against them – but it’s an entertaining episode that takes a surreal situation and makes it even weirder.

I suppose it was pointless to have any hope that Voyager might have been able to use the wormhole, and truthfully, that’s not what this episode is about. It’s the dangled carrot, but that’s it. Indeed, with nearly five full seasons left, I’m beginning to realize that the show is probably not going to give Voyager a shortcut any time soon. Hell, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if this meant that everything happens in relative real time until the final season. So, what does “False Profits” turn into once we discard this hope?

That’s a complicated question to answer, but that’s more of a compliment than a complaint. First of all, I never once expected I’d get a sequel to The Next Generation episode “The Price,” but goddamn, this is a suitable follow-up. This show invokes a fairly common science fiction trope – where characters from an advanced civilization become gods in the eyes of a less civilized people – and force us to look at it in a new way. What if you discovered that someone was ruthlessly exploiting people, but removing them from the situation could horrifically damage them in the process? That’s the conundrum that Janeway is faced with here, and the writers do a fine job of addressing that conflict while keeping “False Profits” light-hearted.

Which is a strange thing sometimes. There’s that scene where we first meet the “Sages,” who are actually the two Ferengi – Kol and Arridor – who fought over the Barzan wormhole in “The Price.” After a poor villager begs for help, they force him and the watching crowd to chant about exploiting their own family. It’s literal and absurd and horrifying, and it’s a perfect example of the kind of humor there is in this episode. The writers exaggerate the trope to a ridiculous end here, but I was worried. It seemed like there was an obvious solution to this: just beam the Ferengi out, open the wormhole, and everyone could leave.

I didn’t precisely buy Arridor’s “impassioned” speech about the needs of these people because HE WASN’T PROVIDING THEM WITH ANYTHING THEY NEEDED OR WANTED. HE  AND KOL MANIPULATED THESE PEOPLE AND THEN DESIGNED A RELIGION MEANT TO STEAL FROM THEM. No one was uplifted by this system! Literally everyone was exploited and harmed and suffered because of it! However, I was fascinated by the invocation of the Prime Directive because – once again – Janeway grounded this story in something respectful. In the end, she wanted to find a way to resolve this problem without treating this culture like something disposable. She actually cared about them, and thus, she and the rest of the Voyager crew devise a method to disguise Neelix as the Grand Proxy so that the Ferengi would willingly leave.

That actually went quite well, right up until it didn’t. Ethan Phillips was an absolute delight to watch as a Ferengi, y’all! He was so good in this role! But no one anticipated the Ferengi just flat-out inventing new Rules of Acquisition, such as KILL THE MESSENGER. Yet it’s the creative way in which Chakotay  helps to utilize the villagers’ own beliefs to their favor that saves the day. There’s a cool idea there, since it’s such a respectful way to get these people to let go of their Sages. Unfortunately, the Ferengi are THE WORST, and their escape causes the wormhole to collapse. The ending is a bit rushed and convenient, but that didn’t make it any less gut-wrenching. The way Harry says, “There are no options,” was CRUSHING. Thanks, Voyager.

The video for “False Profits” can be downloaded here for $0.99.

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