In the thirteenth episode of the fourth season of Deep Space Nine, my heart aches. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Star Trek.Â
Heartbreak is a hell of a thing.
I don’t even know if I could figure out when my heart was broken for the first time. Maybe some of you might understand this or relate to it, but I am a sensitive motherfucker. Incredibly sensitive. So it’s not that I don’t have specific memories of heartbreak; I have so many of them that I couldn’t possibly zero in on the first one. I knew I was gay very young, and being in the closet for over a decade meant that I experienced what Odo does here in “Crossfire†approximately a million times. (I totally counted.)
I suppose that’s the beauty in this episode. While Odo’s story is specific to his experience as a Changeling and his past friendship with Kira, you can extrapolate a lot from it. You can project your own heartbreak over it and find something to relate to. In my case, I kept thinking of all the straight men who asked me for relationship advice, unaware of the crushing affection I had for them. It is so painful to feel so much infatuation for someone and to know that there’s no way it will be returned to you. Unreciprocated love is the worst, isn’t it?
So it’s pretty amazing that René Echevarria finds a way to create a story rich in political strife and complication and make it entirely about the very personal conflict that is Odo. I didn’t expect it, and I think it’s one of the best character studies we’ve gotten on the show. Odo is a fiercely private person, so the idea of talking to anyone about how he feels is revolting to him. (Except, of course, when it comes to being orderly and private. Then, he bonds beautifully with Worf over it, and IT’S SUCH A GREAT SCENE.) (Oh my god, what if Deanna Troi was on DS9? SHE COULD TOTALLY HAVE HELPED HIM.) So Odo suffers quietly. He derives joy from the small moments when Kira smiles at him, when she appreciates the coffee he makes her, when she shows up to their weekly security meetings with a smile on her face.
And I get his anxiety. I GET IT SO MUCH. It is MY ENTIRE LIFE. His awkward distance is perhaps the most relatable thing here for me. And I imagine that’s the case for many of you, too! It’s hard for me to understand how people do interpersonal relationships without anxiety and fear because it’s all I know. So I recognized many of the small things that Odo did throughout “Crossfire,†like trying to put yourself close enough to another person so that you can “coincidentally†be there when they leave a room or walk by. It’s such a creepy thing to do in hindsight, but my junior high and high school self EXCELLED AT BEING SILENTLY UNCOMFORTABLE. I kept myself at a distance because I was afraid of the ramifications of being honest with the people I had crushes on.
This kind of emotional atmosphere is distracting, too, and it’s one of the worst things about having an unrequited crush. It’s such a consuming thing. It’s hardly pleasant!!! Y’all, I want you to know that while I’ve done wonders in the last decade to protect myself, to not develop unhealthy admirations or relationships with people, I still become an unholy mess if I’m romantically attracted to someone. TRUE STORY, EVEN WHEN IT CAME TO MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND. And this episode represents this kind of fear so well that it’s almost eerie.
Therefore, I felt devastated once it was confirmed that Kira and Shakaar were exploring a relationship. Y’all, that’s the worst. It’s the worst because at least the distant hope that something might be possible between you and your object of desire can keep you going. Once you deal with things like someone courting another person or sexuality, though, that hope can be torn away, and it’s so upsetting. I respect, however, that Echevarria’s script doesn’t blame Kira for this. This story could have so easily turned into a terrible friendzoning metaphor, and it didn’t. Kira is still a sweetheart, she still appreciates Odo’s friendship, and her being oblivious to Odo’s feelings doesn’t make her an awful person. She just doesn’t seem to be interested in Odo or attracted to him.
Does it still hurt? Of course. IT HURTS A GREAT DEAL. But Odo has to find a way to compartmentalize that attraction and get on with his job. He can’t make another mistake like he did in the lift, and if that’s the case, then moving on is the only option. It’s heartbreaking, too, but choosing to distance himself from Kira will allow him to stop indulging that sense of hope he felt.
Goddamn, this episode was so good.
The video for “Crossfire†can be downloaded here for $0.99.
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