Mark Watches ‘Supernatural’: S09E05 – Dog Dean Afternoon

In the fifth episode of the ninth season of Supernatural, I just don’t understand anymore. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Supernatural.

Trigger Warning: For discussion of bestiality. AGAIN. And homophobia??? Does it count as homophobia if it’s a DOG???? 

Again. Again. This show did it AGAIN. In a world where we all had to suffer through “Man’s Best Friend With Benefits,” we were given yet another episode that has a scene about a human having sex with a dog. There’s really no context to give to the scene where Dean lasciviously leers at a poodle that could ever, ever, ever make it okay, and yet? This episode went there. It went there, meaning that someone wrote it into the script, an editor approved it, countless others did not stop it, Jensen Ackles acted this, the post-production team did not take it out and here, in all its glory, I get to watch a human being stare at a poodle like he wants to fuck it.

What the fuck is wrong with this show.

But wait, what about a dog HITTING ON SAM? Not just any dog, but a gay dog. A GAY DOG.

A  G A Y  D O G.

I don’t even know how to begin to address the horrifying implications of making a tiny Yorkie hit on a human as if it is a flamboyantly aggressive gay man. Where do you start? Where do you end? Will I lose my sense of self along the way? Is this all part of an elaborate joke? This has to be, because what show would do this? What show would ostensibly see the reaction to bestiality jokes in their scripts and double down on it? I never thought I’d live up to the beauty of my review for that episode, and now, here I am. This is the life that I live. I have to come up with something witty or substantive to say about… whatever this episode is.

Is it funny? Sometimes, sure. I think that it’s a time-honored classic to have humans suddenly able to hear animals. (Go read Tamora Pierce’s The Immortals quartet if you want something ACTUALLY GOOD that deals with this. I did it for Mark Reads. IT’S SO GREAT.) While the writers certainly don’t do anything revolutionary with the concept, there are some cute-ish moments. Dean playing fetch! Dean yelling at the postman! Some of the voices at the pound, particularly the collie! But… is that worth it? Do they overshadow Dean hitting on a poodle?

Some would say, “Yes!” I am not one of those people. I mean, as quite a few folks on Twitter pointed out (shoutout to @acannibalqueen and @mochachick8!) that this show won’t make a main character bisexual or queer, BUT THEY CAN TOTALLY HIT ON A POODLE. TOTALLY OKAY.

What a waste.

Look. Even when you factor in Chef Leo’s character, this episode is like a poorly done Hannibal, complete with terrible villain-y monologues, a cancer backstory/justification (CAN PEOPLE WITH CANCER GET A GODDAMN BREAK, OKAY), and a really revolting resolution. (DO THE DOGS EAT HIM OR JUST TEAR HIM APART?) And then Sam has his neck torn open, Ezekiel arrives to heal Sam, and Sam is suddenly aware that something very impossible just happened, and yet? He’s still given lines as if he’s merely “puzzled” by recent events. Up to this episode, his confusion is totally believable, but he did not pass out here! He knew his neck was slashed, and then it suddenly wasn’t. Why isn’t he questioning this?

Well, this whole episode was a mess. I can’t even imagine how it was pitched because if I tried to do so, that means I’d have to entertain the notion that more than one person was perfectly fine with this. Can Supernatural leave dogs alone? PLEASE? It’s bad enough I opened the video with a story about my inability to function normally around dogs and then had to sit through this. Can we just let dogs have their lives? CAN WE?

The video for “Dog Dean Afternoon” can be downloaded here for $0.99.

Mark Links Stuff

– The Mark Does Stuff Tour 2015 is now live and includes dates across the U.S., Canada, Europe, the U.K., and Ireland. Check the full list of events on my Tour Dates / Appearances page.
– My Master Schedule is updated for the near and distant future for most projects, so please check it often. My next Double Features for Mark Watches will be the remainder of The Legend of Korra, series 8 of Doctor Who, and Kings. On Mark Reads, Diane Duane’s Young Wizards series will replace the Emelan books.
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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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