Mark Watches ‘Farscape’: S03E22 – Dog with Two Bones

In the twenty-second and final episode of the third season of Farscape, I’m furious. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Farscape.

I am going to fully admit that this review might be completely flawed because I don’t have the full picture. I know that goes without saying, but in the case of “Dog with Two Bones,” future storylines might actually shed some light on… well, whatever the fuck I just watched.

This is a strange finale, one that’s got a bizarre pacing, an unusual plot, some invasive flashes of a possible future, and perhaps the most confusing character introduction I’ve ever seen. Is this what the creators intended? I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT. There’s a poetic chaos to this episode, and I think that might be the point, but the writers throw us into this story and don’t give us much to help figure out what’s going on until the very end. Honestly, I do think I know one of the main reasons this was such a jarring experience: I kept feeling like I was missing shit. Like there were a ton of deleted scenes that didn’t make it but would have helped me understand this.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS. Namely, I need to yell about one particular thing: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT WOMAN? Why did the writers decide that not telling us where she came from for nearly half an hour was a good idea? So, Crichton saved an escape pod and then… that woman was inside? There were other people inside, too? They left? I think? And so this woman just stuck around and blew fairy dust into Crichton’s face and no one questioned this??? And she can read minds and also detect the truth and also whispers mystical things in people’s ears when they’re high off her dust herbs? Seriously, I can appreciate the importance of what she reveals to Crichton and about Aeryn, but she’s just a nonsensical character. What species is she? How can she do any of the things that she does?

I think this would be less jarring if the show didn’t have such a great history with worldbuilding. Again, I know that I could be embarrassing myself greatly because the premiere of season four might give me all my answers and I am committed to public shame of myself. But I don’t get it! I don’t get why this is happening! The same goes for the woman’s role in this episode, which is to force Crichton to examine the ramifications of the choices he’s got before him. Why her? Why this way? I get the idea that she’s trying to repay the debt she feels she owes because Crichton saved her life, but this is how she does it?

Let’s go through this, because I’m trying to understand it. I do think that there’s a very vital story being told here. As Rygel points out, they’ve now defeated practically every antagonistic force threatening them. They help Moya bury Talyn in a plot that was more about going through the motions than anything else. And when they’re faced with a future of their own freedom, they pursue it. So what is Crichton going to choose? To follow Aeryn or go home? Again, I was super confused by the reveal that she was going to go find that assassination squad because what the fuck? Since when? What ex-Peacekeeper unit? (I confess I may have forgotten something, though. APOLOGIES IF I JUST HAVE A BAD MEMORY.) But I understood that Crichton spent a good deal of “Dog with Two Bones” lost in his own thoughts, distracted by the scenario that was playing out in his head. He had this terrible decision to make and soon, so I love that he was so consumed by these imagined situations.

Truthfully, the idea of taking any of Moya’s crew to earth is inherently complex, and the flashforwards to a possible outcome all demonstrate why. Despite that Crichton tries as hard as possible to imagine a happy future, all the complications play themselves out. How will anyone understand Aeryn? How will she adjust to a life that isn’t in space? How can Crichton be assured that Scorpius won’t pursue him to get revenge? The whole time, this is the truth that I thought that strange woman was trying to get Crichton to realize. He was lying to himself if he thought his friends could assimilate on Earth or escape Scorpius. Hell, isn’t that Crichton confronts Aeryn and demands to go with her?

My god, that scene is so uncomfortable. It’s heartbreaking to watch because neither person could possibly be equipped to handle it. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS SHIT? Aeryn’s reasons for rejecting Crichton are entirely sensible. Why should she have to suffer with losing Crichton all over again? At the same time, both people love one another, so why can’t they be together? Because… fate? All right, I can excuse practically everything here, and I know that I’m bound to be wrong about my interpretation of a lot of this. I’m ignorant! I have no idea what’s in store for Farscape in season four! But the whole, “Let’s leave this to fate,” thing? No. Nope. That is just so absurd! What does that even mean? Does that mean if they cross paths again, Aeryn will just be totally fine with continuing a relationship with Crichton? That resolves none of her perfectly reasonable emotional issues, you know? It also seems strange that two characters who have actively and violently resisted the idea of destiny would suddenly hang their entire relationship on it. WHY.

Of course, it’s made even more infuriating when we find out what “truth” the old woman spoke of. It’s not that the worlds of Earth and Moya’s crew are incompatible. No, she buried the truth in Crichton’s subconscious because…. why? Why the fuck would she do that? That doesn’t help him, and if it wasn’t for Harvey, Crichton wouldn’t have “known” what she said until much later. Because surprise! AERYN SUN IS PREGNANT. How is that even biologically possible????? Okay, nevermind, not important, because baby Aeryn. It’s a great thought, but the method in which this is revealed just feels like the show toying with us for the sake of it. He learns this seconds after she’s starburst away, and then Moya is sucked into a random wormhole that just appears??? WHERE DID IT COME FROM? And Crichton is stranded in the middle of nowhere with little fuel and all of his friends gone. THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE CLIFFHANGER. Pacing-wise, it kind of feels like it was tacked on at the end. This episode is fairly slow, especially for a finale, and then it rushes forward in the final sixty seconds, and I’m left feeling empty.

Hey, at least I don’t have to wait long to see the premiere.

The video for “Dog with Two Bones” can be downloaded here for $0.99.

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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