Mark Watches ‘Wonderfalls’: Episode 5 – Crime Dog

In the fifth episode of Wonderfalls, the Tylers deal with the sudden and dramatic deportation of their housekeeper. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Wonderfalls.

Oh, this show. What are you doing to me?

  • I LOVE CANADA. SO MUCH. IT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES IN THE WORLD, AND I WILL GO THERE ANY CHANCE I CAN GET BECAUSE I LOVE CANADA.
  • Okay, I had to get that out of my system. This show, by nature of it being set in Niagara and having a cast with some Canadian talent, has a lovely Canadian tinge to it, so through “Crime Dog,” we get MORE CANADA. And an in media res crime tale. And a noir movie. And a story about how ridiculous immigration laws are. And an accurate depiction of the terror of crossing the border. And friendship. AND LOTS OF FEELINGS.
  • There are a few very brief, weird moments in this episode, but they don’t overshadow the rest of this for me. First, what the hell was that line about homosexuals and INS agents? I know it was supposed to be some sort of witty one-liner, but the more I think about it, the less I understand it. Was it meant as a reference to like… Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Maybe? (I haven’t thought about that show in YEARS, and now I’m remembering that I fostered a quick crush on Jai Rodriguez for a while, and I feel weird.)
  • I don’t know. IT WAS DISTRACTING.
  • So was the use of the term “illegal alien,” which I hate with passion of a thousand fiery suns. Yes, this aired nine years ago, and Darrin does prove to be the one who saves the day, so it’s not like I’m doing anything other than nitpicking at this point. Y’all, strike this awful word from your vocabulary because it’s horribly dehumanizing, and no. Just no.
  • I was far more interested in Yvette/Cindy’s story than how her deportation affected the Tylers. While I found it sweet that they all cared for her so much, there’s always going to be a part of me that’s disinterested in depictions of the upper class. Like, these people could afford a live-in housekeeper for twenty years. It sucks that she was deported! I get that! But oh my god, so many times, the Tylers make this tragedy about how… well, tragic it is that she won’t be doing their laundry or making pancakes for breakfast. How about the fact that this woman is getting dumped into a city she hasn’t been in for over twenty years? And initially, we don’t even know if she’s from Toronto or not!
  • I’m sure I sound super whiny at this point, but I SWEAR THAT I REALLY ENJOYED THIS EPISODE. Oh my god, SO MUCH LEE PACE. I’m glad that we got a chance to experience Jaye and Aaron simply hanging out. For hours! They’re clearly close enough for him to recognize that something bizarre is going on with her, and I like how he described it: He’s her brother, and that means he will relentlessly pester her in order to get to the bottom of her… cow problems. Or condiment problems. Or livestock problems. He has no idea, oh my god.
  • This is also satisfying to watch because Jaye has never been ordered to hide this phenomenon, so I’m glad that she’s now getting to a point where she sort of has to acknowledge these talking creatures in real time. Like I said in my review of the first episode, it’s a conscious way for Jaye to analyze what this means in terms of her own sanity and her role in the universe. Obviously, these inanimate objects can communicate to her in front of other people without them hearing, so that can’t make her feel better about this. She has no external validation that what she’s experiencing is real!
  • Like “Wound-up Penguin,” I was confused as hell as to how these messages were leading to a good deed. Hell, this seemed even worse than the last episode, especially considering that it ended with Jaye being interrogated by the police.
  • For the record, I adored all the noir touches to “Crime Dog,” particularly the image of Sharon smoking a cigarette with dramatic background lighting as her siblings angrily push past her. Bravo.
  • But “Crime Dog” is great because of Cindy’s story. I ran away from home at 16, and when I returned home two years later, I had the exact same fear: Would I regret running away? Would I realize that I’d made a horrible mistake? To see this show validate Cindy’s flight from her awful, distant parents was EMPOWERING. It was such an incredible twist made even better when the actual Yvette proves to be far more caring than Cindy’s parents. (Which was a nice play on Cindy’s line about how the Tylers raised their children, not Cindy.)
  • Border crossings are miniature horror movies. They scare me. I will never feel comfortable crossing into another country. The end.
  • The end of “Crime Dog” is an emotional hug from the writers to this family, and it’s awesome. Cindy chooses the family she wants to belong with, because Jaye chose to listen to the message she was given, she moves closer to her family. She gains a new respect for Aaron, Sharon, and –
  • oh
  • oh my god
  • OH MY GOD Y’ALL
  • I JUST REALIZED
  • RIGHT IN THIS SECOND
  • THAT ALL THE TYLERS HAVE RHYMING NAMES.
  • SHARON KAREN AARON DARRIN
  • No wonder Jaye doesn’t fit in!
  • Actually, I’d personally not want to fit in, at least in this case.
  • Holy shit, they all rhyme.
  • ALL RIGHT, I’M DONE.

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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