Mark Watches ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’: Season 5 Predictions

In the fifth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more uncomfortable trying to predict anything ever. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Buffy.

Okay, let’s start off with predictions that I made last time. You’re allowed to laugh.

– Xander will not go to UC Sunnydale. SCORE. 1/1

– We will learn that Giles got hired as the head librarian at UC Sunnydale. DAMN IT. 1/2

– Giles will pursue a relationship with Joyce. (MAKE IT HAPPEN, RIPPER.) GODDAMN IT. JOYCE WAS IN LIKE THREE EPISODES. NO FAIR. 1/3

– Buffy will have a new boyfriend by the end of the season. Helllloooo Riley. 2/4

– Okay, I’m so surprised (AND IMMENSELY PLEASED) that Oz survived season three, but his time must end soon. So I say he dies in season four. Nope. He just died in my heart. 2/5

– We will find out what happened to Larry and Harmony. Oh shit, what did happen to Larry??? 2.5/6

– Cordelia will become much more involved with slaying now that she slayed a vampire at the end of season three. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA OH GOD. 2.5/7

– Bees? Yeah what. 2.5/8

– The Scoobies will make friends with a new staff member at the university. I will count Buffy and Professor Walsh. Try and stop me. 3.5/9

– Anya will appear in season four. And did so utterly flawlessly. My god. 4.5/10

– WE WILL FINALLY SEE XANDER’S PARENTS. Please? His father! So only half a point. 5/11

– We will have an episode focusing more on Giles’s backstory. Does “A New Man” count? No? Bah. 5/12

– There will be an episode about ghosts. Lol try harder, Mark. I feel like I’m just throwing shit out there in the hope I’ll get lucky. 5/13

– Faith? Look, I don’t how the fuck this show is going to deal with her being alive. So… stuff will happen? I DON’T KNOW. This is weak. I don’t count it. But oH MY GOD FAITH. 5/14

– Can there be an episode about time travel? I LOVE TIME TRAVEL. Damn it! Just one!!! 5/15

– There will be one explicitly jokey/funny episode. Hmm. “A New Man” and “Superstar” were pretty damn hilarious. Half a point each. 6/16

– There will be one episode that’s just supposed to scare the pants off of us. Oh my god “Hush” OH MY GOD 7/17

– LITERALLY. Well, I tried. 7/18

– Oh god, it feels kind of like Buffy is starting over. SO UNPREPARED. Well, I was unprepared, wasn’t I? THIS COUNTS. 8/19. 

Not a bad score! I MEAN IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE. You know how bad it could be? Let’s move into my predictions for season five, wherein I will get approximately zero things right. Fuck, I am so frightened after “Restless.”

Mark’s Predictions for Season Five of Buffy

1) Tara and Willow will kiss onscreen.

2) Xander will tell Anya that he loves her.

3) Oz will not appear once.

4) Giles will get a job at UC Sunnydale.

5) Willow will become good friends with someone at school.

6) Willow will also become far more involved with slaying as she gets better at magic. Bonus points if Tara also plays a huge part.

7) At some point, Riley and Buffy will break up.

8) We will see both of Xander’s parents at the same time.

9) Joyce Summers will start dating someone, and it will last the whole season.

10) Cordelia will crossover and appear on Buffy.

11) We will hear Faith’s name once, but we won’t see her.

12) Spike will get the chip out of his head by the end of season five.

13) Spike will kill a demon for the Scoobies in season five.

14) Time travel? Please?

15) Xander will also slay more demons/vampires than usual.

16) A large focus of season five will be on the conjuring of The First Slayer.

17) And my big guess for the huge development in this season is that both Giles and Buffy will rejoin the Watchers Council at some point.

Wow. I don’t feel good about any of these.

A note about scheduling: I know I stuck both Buffy and Angel predictions in one post last time. I am sort of intentionally stalling in a way. For season five of Buffy and season two of Angel, I am going back to one post per day. As you know by now, I have a huge three-week tour I’m about to embark on, and I could barely keep up with ten posts to write per week. There’s no way I can accommodate twelve of them. I’ll be starting this week to write far enough ahead of schedule to try and get ask much done for the days I am on tour. It’s a lot of work, but it’s incredibly difficult to do any sort of writing while on tour. I’m just so swamped! I am totally willing to do more posts in a day if I have the time, but for now, so that I don’t stretch myself too thin, it’s going back to the old schedule. The Master Schedule is updated in the menu bar at the top of the site so you can see how posts will unfold!

Thank you all. I hope to meet some of you on tour!

Mark Links Stuff

- Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr. Follow away!
– I go on tour THIS WEEK. This is the master post with all dates; each city name links to the RSVP page on Facebook. I will be in 15 cities in the western half of North America. Posts will continue uninterrupted while I’m tour! If you live near any of the cities I’m coming to, all events are free and will be a blast. Come support me and BE ENTERTAINED.
- I am reading bad fic/novels on video to raise money for my AIDS/LifeCycle ride in June. Contribute money or vote for what you want to see me read!
– You can purchase eBooks or physical books from me to support what I’m doing! I’m now selling original short stories for $1 each twice a month. “Hell” is now out!