In the twelfth episode of the first series of Doctor Who, I WAS NEVER PREPARED FOR ANY OF THIS. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Doctor Who.
Russel T. Davies just punched me in the face. What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK.
“The Long Game” was never truly explained as a title, even though we thought it was. It was a hint to the endgame of the series.
The Daleks weren’t exterminated. THEY WERE HIDING FOR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN PLAIN SPACE.
Satellite Five was manipulated in a way to, in turn, manipulate the Doctor so he would eliminate the news feeds and the reality programming would take over the airwaves. THE DOCTOR CAUSED THE EARTH TO STOP PROGRESSING. OH MY GOD. That statement about how history was not progressing as it should beâ€¦IT WAS THE DOCTOR’S FAULT.
And Bad Wolf. The Badwolf Corporation runs everything. And it’s FUCKING DALEKS.
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That was my brain this episode. I can’t believe it. I FEEL USED AND TRICKED. Oh my god, astral plane high fives to Russell Davies for this brilliance.
So that I don’t slip off the deep end of incoherency, let’s turn to one giant list to attempt to organize my thoughts. You don’t need me to summarize the plot this time around.
- I love that Big Brother still exists that far in the future, as well as the The Weakest Link. Also, according to Wikipeda, Anne Robinson is actually the voice of the Anne Droid. Neat!
- Of course Captain Jack Harkness gets sent to a show that’s like What Not To Wear. Could it be any other way? Interestingly enough, he was the only contestant out of him, Rose, and the Doctor that didn’t worry me. I figured he’d get out easily.
- why was Harkness hiding a gun in his butt 🙁
- I would have expected a premise like this (citizens forced to play games and be on reality TV, with the grand prize being life) from Moffat. Not that I am a Moffat expert or anything, but the idea that something so banal could be so terrifying seems quite Moffat.
- As soon as the camera pulled out and I saw they were on Satellite Five, my brain pulled a Scanners.
- Let’s talk about the most horrifying part of this episode: as Rose faces off against Rodrick, I believed the suspense, but only to a point. Obviously the Doctor was going to get to her, but suspense in these situations is all about how the people pull this off. So when I saw the Doctor arriving to the room where Rose is competing, I figured that Jack would just blast the Anne Droid with the gun. And thenâ€¦..she was disintegrated. I couldn’t believe it. It’s still so shocking to think about. They actually did it. I don’t know when companions switch out for the remained of Nu-Who, so I completely believed she was dead for series one, and that she’d be replaced for series two. And she went out in the saddest, most terrifying way possible.
- BUT WAIT NOT DEAD. I normally don’t love stories that kill off characters and then go, “Just kidding!”, but it works so well here because Davies then re-punches you in the face with terrible. Because when Jack learns the contestants are not disintegrated, but transmatted to a seemingly empty area in space, it’s revealed that nearly half a million Daleks are still alive and have been manipulating everything. Not a couple, but half a million.
- Even better? The Doctor heroically stands up to them, giving one hell of a speech, and Davies counters that by showing the true scope in size of the Daleks AS THEY START TO INVADE EARTH. Shit is fucked up.
- “The human race. Brainless sheep, being fed on a diet of–mind you, have they Bear With Me? I love that one!” “And me. The celebrity edition, where the bearâ€¦” “â€¦.got in the bath!” “But it’s all gone wrong! I mean, history’s gone wrong. Again!”
- “Do you mind flirting outside?” “I was just saying hello.” “For you, that’s flirting.”
- This is the first real confirmation that Captain Jack Harkness will hit on anyone. For me, at least. I thought he was joking around in that first scene where we meet him in “The Empty Child” and he hits on the male soldier. Nope. Totally into everyone!
- “No. ‘Cause this is what I’m gonna do–I’m gonna rescue her! I’m gonna save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dalek fleet, and then I’m gonna save the Earth, and then–just to finish you off–I’m gonna wipe every last stinking Dalek out of the sky!” “But you have no weapons, no defenses, no plan.” “Yeah, and doesn’t that scare you to death?” BEST QUOTE EVER OR BEST QUOTE EVER