Mark Watches ‘The Next Generation’: S07E09 – Force of Nature

In the ninth episode of the seventh season of The Next Generation, there’s a cat and a purple black hole thingy and then the universe is dying? I don’t even know. If you’re intrigued, then it’s time for Mark to watch Star Trek. 

FORCE OF NATURE
ACT I, SCENE I

INT. OFFICE ROOM – DAY

[A group of men sit around a conference table that is littered with papers, pencils, and a tray full of pastries and fruit.

Some of them are speaking with one another softly; others are browsing the daily paper; a tall, white man walks into the room, WRITER #1, and sits at the head of the table.]

WRITER #1
Good morning, fellas. You catch the game last night?

WRITER #2
I spent too much time taking care of the kid. You know how it is with newborns. 

WRITER #3
(Holds up a copy of the L.A. Times)
You see the review we got for the premiere? Not bad, guys. Not bad at all. 

WRITER #1
Well, let’s keep up the momentum, then. What ideas do we have for this week? It’s going to be hard to follow up “Attached,” but I think we got a few concepts that could work.

[WRITER #1 turns back to a large whiteboard behind him, which contains lists of ideas for future episodes. We can see “DS9 CROSSOVER circled, as well as “DATA NIGHTMARES” and “LOVEY-DOVEY EPISODE.” There are others, some in faded ink that appear to have been there for some time. “TIME TRAVELING DINOS” is one. “LIKE THE GODFATHER, BUT IN SPACE” is another. WRITER #1 picks up a dry erase marker and hovers over one option, “‘BREAKIN’, BUT IN SPACE.”]

WRITER #1
Is it time? I’ve got some real good ideas for this one. I think we’ve gone too long without Data droppin’ some hot bars and breakdancing. 

[WRITER #2 strokes his beard.]

WRITER #2
I dunno. It just doesn’t seem vital, you know?

WRITER #4
Have we thought about bringing back Q? 

[There is silence in the writer’s room.]

WRITER #4
Or maybe we could explore the effects of The Borg’s continued fracture from the beginning of the season.

[More silence. WRITER #4 tosses a pencil in the air.]

WRITER #3
I just feel like we should do something we’ve never done before.

WRITER #2
What about Spot?

WRITER #1
What about her?

WRITER #2
What if we do an entire episode surrounding her? Maybe show what it might be like if Data gets more serious about raising her.

WRITER #4
How could that last an entire episode?

WRITER #1
We’ve made worse things last the whole show. What’s the catch here?

WRITER #2
Well, I’m thinking that Data should try to train Spot.

WRITER #4
You’re kidding me. Train her to do what?

WRITER #2
You know, train her like a dog.

[WRITER #4 squints at WRITER #2, taking off his glasses as he does so.]

WRITER #4
Have you ever owned a cat?

WRITER #2
No, but it can’t be that much different than a dog.

WRITER #4
I don’t think –

WRITER #1
Sounds perfect! You get to work on that. What else we got?

WRITER #3
What if the Federation has been fucking up everything since they started?

[There is a long awkward silence in the room. The other writers wait patiently for WRITER #3 to follow up his thought. When he doesn’t, WRITER #4 clears his throat.]

WRITER #4
Okay, I’ll bite. What do you mean by that? 

WRITER #3
What if traveling the universe is actually ruining it?

WRITER #1
Like pollution?

WRITER #3
(While clapping excitedly)
Yes, exactly!

[Another silence, but much shorter than the last one.]

WRITER #1
I love it. Write it up. 

[WRITER #1 stands and leaves the room swiftly. Both WRITER #2 and WRITER #3 begin to furiously write on their notepads, and soon, the two of them have completely forgotten about WRITER #4.]

WRITER #4
So…what about my ideas? 

WRITER #2
(looking up at WRITER #4)
Do cats play fetch?

[WRITER #4 stares at him in disbelief.]

WRITER #2
Right, right, just gotta go with the gut.

[WRITER #2 goes back to writing just as WRITER #3 looks up from his notepad.]

WRITER #3
Is a black hole scarier if it’s purple?

WRITER #4
Please tell me you’re kidding. 

WRITER #3
I think people will be so mesmerized by how pretty it is that they’ll underestimate it.

WRITER #4
You’re not listening to me, are you?

WRITER #3
I’m totally going with it, man. Thanks!

ACT I, SCENE II

[INT. OFFICE ROOM – DAY]

[The next day, the same four writers gather in their conference room, all chatting with one another, except for WRITER #4, who quietly writes away in his notepad.]

WRITER #1
So what’s the status of your scripts right now? How much more time do you need?

WRITER #4
Well, I was hoping to get some input on this Cardassian crossover episode where Sisko must command the Enterprise while–

WRITER #3
The Federation are unknowingly destroying the universe with their warp drives, and they nearly kill a planet because of it.

WRITER #4
Well, wait, how do they solve the problem?

WRITER #3
They don’t.

WRITER #4
Wait…what?

WRITER #3
The damage is irreversible and only gets worse over time.

WRITER #4
Can they stop the damage?

WRITER #3
Not unless they never use warp engines again.

WRITER #4
Well…Jesus, that’s brutal. Kind of interesting, though. It’s a kind of real-world commentary on environmental iss–

WRITER #3
Oh, and all other species must stop using warp.

WRITER #4
Oh – oh, okay, so you’re committing to it then?

WRITER #3
What do you mean?

WRITER #4
Well, I’ve been pushing for us to do more serialized scripts. Have you seen what the Deep Space Nine team is doing lately? I think it would be cool to make this fundamental change to the existing universe. It would certainly strengthen the metaphor, don’t you think? 

WRITER #3
Oh, nah, we’ll probably never bring it up again. 

[WRITER #4 puts his head in his hands. WRITER #1 turns to his other writer, who has not spoken this morning.]

WRITER #1
What have you got for me?

WRITER #2
I’ve got most of Data’s plot down, actually. I think it would be neat if Geordi took Spot for a while to test out whether or not owning a cat is for him.

WRITER #4
That’s – that’s actually a great idea.

WRITER #2
I know! That’s how Data decides to train his cat. 

WRITER #4
Well, you can’t really train cats to do much. Maybe some behavioral stuff, but not like dogs beca–

WRITER #2
Oh, I know, since Data doesn’t ever train Spot.

WRITER #4
Oh. So…he just gives up?

WRITER #2
I don’t know, I just can’t think of much more to do with this story. It takes up about ten minutes of screen time.

WRITER #3
Yeah, mine’s only about half hour right now.

WRITER #4
(His face becomes panicked as he realizes what is about to happen.)
Oh no, not again, you guys. This isn’t how writing should work–

WRITER #1
What if we just combined both of your scripts?

WRITER #2
Well, how would we resolve my part of the story?

WRITER #1
(Dramatically removing his glasses.)
We don’t.

[There is an audible GASP from everyone but WRITER #4.]

WRITER #4
But that doesn’t make any sense. 

WRITER #3
My black hole is purple.

WRITER #4
(Clearly exasperated)
But you can’t just jam these together! These two stories have nothing to do with one another, and one of them is just flat-out not resolved!

WRITER #1
What should we call it?

WRITER #4
Why does no one listen to me?

WRITER #2
What if we call it “Force of Nature” because the cat is a force of nature and the purple hole is a force of nature?

WRITER #4
That idea is barely coherent.

WRITER #1
I’m sold. Let’s break for lunch.

[WRITER #1, WRITER #2, and WRITER #3 all leave the room, talking excitedly with one another, leaving WRITER #4 to stare at the whiteboard. He stands up and walks over to it. He picks up a marker and, at the bottom of the list, writes, “MUPPETS, BUT IN SPACE.”]

WRITER #4
(quietly, as if only to himself and to God)
I will get you made.

[FADE TO BLACK]

The video for “Force of Nature” can be downloaded here for $0.99.

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