In the twentieth episode of the fourth season of Steven Universe, HELP, MY FEELINGS HURT. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Steven Universe.Â
Trigger Warning: For discussion of trauma, PTSD, depression, and anxiety.
Oh. OH.
One of the great joys of fiction is when you can bridge a divide, when a work can span over a gap, a chasm, a sense of the terror of loneliness. I don’t just mean a physical loneliness either; I’ve written before about how loneliness can creep into other senses, particularly when it comes to experiences. Perhaps the most challenging struggle I have in me is envy, the kind of jealousy that manifests because I so easily imagine that other lives are easier than my own. I was never one of the “cool” kids, even if I was well-known on campus. I envied families that seemed complete and loving. As I got older, I envied the boys that flocked to all the girls on campus, but ignored me. I envied love. Affection. People who lived without anxiety. People who lived without PTSD. Why was my life so endlessly hard, and why did other people get to live lives that were so easy?
Part of growing up involved de-centering myself from this sort of narrative because… well, life is not best lived as a constant game of Oppression Olympics. Plus, it’s not always a good idea to invent narratives for other people because we can’t possibly imagine what’s going on in the lives of those around us. People struggle in silence, in private, away from public scrutiny. I know this, and yet I still do this to this day. My brain just defaults to the worst possible world for myself and the best possible world for everyone else. It might be the most insidious symptom of my depression and the one that is hardest to describe to those who don’t suffer from it. How can I be depressed or believe such terrible things about myself when I’ve found so much success? When I am loved and respected by people? When there’s undeniable proof that I matter to people?
It’s partially instinctual. I relate so much to Lapis because living in the wake of trauma is a constant journey and a constant challenge. But it also means that I’ve got an instinctual reaction to a lot of things, and it’s my brain’s way of protecting myself. That’s how I interpreted the events of “Room for Ruby.” There’s a narrative of envy, sure, but in the end, I’d say this is actually about Lapis protecting herself. When Steven brings Navy around her home, she’s cautious and skeptical. UNDERSTANDABLY SO BECAUSE THE RUBIES WERE NEVER ON THEIR SIDE. And then, one of them just shows up and wants to be friends and says all the right things and becomes close with Steven and Jasper?
Obviously, it’s easier in hindsight to see what happens here, but at the time, I, too, fell for Navy’s charm. She always was the nice one, the one least interested in the more hostile shenanigans of the Rubies, and the one who most seemed like she would defect to Earth. I wanted to avoid the normal cynicism, too, and the idea of the Crystal Gems gaining a new member was way too infectious to me. I JUST LOVE IT WHEN THE GROUP GETS BIGGER. But I could tell that Lapis hated the way that Navy adapted to Earth. I’m realizing now how performative this all was, but at the time, it felt so real. Navy was getting to experience all the strange wonder of Earth, so why wouldn’t she be excited about that?
The truth, though, is that Lapis’s instinct told her that something was wrong with Navy. That doesn’t dilute the importance of the initial message, since Lapis has to admit her jealousy so that she can deal with it without pushing Navy away. Plus, before the big reveal hit, there was that moment where Navy was shown to be emotional about her journey. She just chose to keep it inside! So there’s still a good theme before the bigger one took over the episode: trauma and emotion manifest different in everyone.
BUT THE WHOLE THING WAS A TRICK, OH MY GOD. I felt personally betrayed by this, and it’s because I fell so completely for the con. I wanted Navy and her optimism to be real. Instead, though, I was granted an episode that felt a lot more raw and real to me, and I’m thankful for that. PROTECT LAPIS AT ALL COSTS.
And I’m glad that in the end, Garnet said that Navy was worth the try. Ugh, y’all, I’m so glad I have more of this show to watch.
The video for “Room for Ruby” can be downloaded here for $0.99.
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