Mark Watches ‘The Next Generation’: S07E14 – Sub Rosa

In the fourteenth episode of the seventh season of The Next Generation, a ghost candle. Honestly. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch Star Trek. 

Trigger Warning: For talk of consent, rape/sexual assault.

SUB ROSA
ACT I, SCENE I

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – MORNING

[WRITER #4 takes a drink of his coffee with his left hand without looking up. He continues to write with his right hand as he does so, muttering the words he is writing to himself.]

WRITER #4
“Then, Kermit the Frog turns to Picard. ‘Picard, did you mean to suggest that that talking sandwich is an alien?’ Picard removes his sunglasses, and many of the Muppets gasped in shock. His eyes were –”

[Three other men – WRITER #1, WRITER #2, and WRITER #3 – all noisily barge into the room, their voices breaking the concentration of WRITER #4.]

WRITER #4
Guys, can you keep it down? I’m nearing the denouement of my script, and I really want to get it right. 

WRITER #1
Can it. We have a better idea for the next episode.

WRITER #4
(He lifts his head up from his notebook, a frown on his face.)
Did you all go out drinking last night?

WRITER #2
You shoulda been there, man. We came up with the best idea we’ve ever had. I really think we’re gonna knock it out of the park.

WRITER #4
(Sighing loudly and putting his pen down.)
Okay, what is it this time?

[There is a dramatic silence that last far too long, and then WRITER #3 starts to giggle, which infectiously spreads to everyone but WRITER #4.]

I don’t get it. What’s so funny?

WRITER #2
I think we’re just pleased with ourselves.

WRITER #4
Because…? 

WRITER #1
(Spreading his hands palm out in front of him.)
Imagine it: The Next Generation meets… gothic romance.

[Another silence.]

WRITER #4
I really do need more than that. 

WRITER #3
Didn’t you say that you really wished other characters got their own stories? Well, what if we give an episode to Dr. Crusher?

WRITER #4
(Hesitantly.)
Okay, yes, that would be great. We really need to stop underusing her. But… a romance? Don’t you think that’s a little obvious?

WRITER #1
What do you mean?

WRITER #4
Well, we haven’t had a Dr. Crusher episode in a while. Why would we give one of two women on the show a gothic romance story?

WRITER #1
Oh, come on! It’s perfect for her. We’ll explore her family, she’ll discover a long-lost love, and it’ll be super creepy.

WRITER #4
Oh. (Pausing.) Well, that doesn’t sound too bad. We definitely need to get into her history. What’s the gothic romance angle?

WRITER #3
Get this: A ghost has been haunting Beverly’s family for like… eight centuries.

WRITER #4
A ghost?

WRITER #1
A ghost.

WRITER #4
A ghost? 

WRITER #2
A ghost.

WRITER #4
Are we… are we ready to experiment with another genre like that?

WRITER #1
Why are you not open to the possibility that we can tell stories that aren’t just hard science fiction?

WRITER #4
I’m not! I just think–

WRITER #1
Why must The Next Generation cling to traditional notions of genre narratives all the time? Why can’t we experiment with crossovers?

WRITER #4
(He looks down at his own script notes, focusing on a line about Miss Piggy and Deanna Troi enjoying a sundae in Ten Forward.)
I don’t think I have that problem at all.

WRITER #1
I think that if this really is the final season, we should be open to do anything!

WRITER #4
I honestly don’t disagree with you, I swear. But how are we going to explain this ghost?

WRITER #2
It’s an alien.

WRITER #4
Does Dr. Crusher know it’s an alien? 

WRITER #2
Not until the end of the episode.

WRITER #4
Okay, I admit that that’s pretty intriguing. But how is it a romance?

WRITER #1
Oh, she falls in love with the ghost.

[There is a stunned silence from WRITER #4. He taps his pen on the table.]

I’m waiting for you to tell me how.

WRITER #1
That’s the best part. Her family has been cursed by this spirit, and all the women fall in love with him, and she falls for the curse, too.

WRITER #4
All the women?

WRITER #3
Well, yeah. He’s one of those dashing European types, with long blonde-ish hair, and –

WRITER #4
Well, certainly just based on the odds, at least one of the women must not be attracted to him, right?

[The other three writers laugh heartily at one another.]

WRITER #1
How does that make any sense? 

WRITER #4
There’s no universal man that every woman is attracted to. 

WRITER #1
Well, you’re missing a crucial detail: he like, possesses these women. It’s how he stays alive.

WRITER #4
Whoa, whoa, we should think this through, gentlemen. Possession? How is it love if it–

WRITER #2
(Leans across the table to WRITER #1)
Psst. Don’t forget about the candle.

WRITER #4
What?

WRITER #2
Well, we were thinking… what if this ghost was really just an anaphasic alien, and he needs some sort of object to survive in between women?

WRITER #4
Why???

WRITER #3
A lot of gothic romance features haunted objects or family heirlooms that are cursed. Why shouldn’t this one have one?

WRITER #4
Because it doesn’t make sense? 

WRITER #1
Why not? 

WRITER #4
Didn’t you just say that the alien can possess people and make them fall in love them? So, where does it actually live? In the person or the candle?

WRITER #2
I don’t know why you’re always so concerned with the details. I think the story will be cool enough that most people won’t care. 

WRITER #3
Plus, it’s romantic.

WRITER #4
What is?

WRITER #3
Well, the thought that she keeps this heirloom, despite being warned not to, and that it leads her on this really sensual journey.

WRITER #4
Sensual?

WRITER #1
Sensual.

WRITER #4
Are we actually going to openly address sex on the show?

WRITER #2
I already wrote a pretty cool scene between Deanna and Beverly, where they discuss a sexual dream Beverly has after her first interaction with the ghost. It’s a chance for them to be positive and encouraging with their sexuality instead of being perpetually desexualized by the narrative. 

WRITER #4
Oh. Well… (He scratches his head.) That actually sounds great.

WRITER #3
And it’s right before the ghost has sex with her.

WRITER #4
(Squinting.)
She has sex with the ghost… in what form?

WRITER #2
Is that important?

WRITER #4
……………………yes????

WRITER #2
Well, I suppose she has sex with the ghost while it’s inside her.

[WRITER #4 nearly falls out of his chair and knocks over his coffee in the process. As WRITER #1 gets up to get some napkins, WRITER #4 glares at WRITER #2.]

WRITER #4
Is that some disgusting pun?

WRITER #2
What? No! He like… goes inside her body. It’s very sensual and sexy. 

WRITER #4
That literally sounds like the opposite of sexy. How can she consent to this if she doesn’t even know he’s an alien or a curse?

WRITER #3
(Waves his hand at WRITER #4, dismissing his words.)
Wait until you see the scene where Beverly angrily destroys the candle. 

WRITER #4
I forgot about the candle. Why do we need that?

WRITER #1
Well, it needs somewhere to store its energy.

WRITER #4
So it chooses a candle?

WRITER #1
Of course!

WRITER #4
Don’t candles melt? 

WRITER #1
What?

WRITER #2
What?

WRITER #3
What?

WRITER #4
This isn’t a difficult question. How does a candle last 800 years? Does the alien just live in the candle or something?

WRITER #2
Well, no. Their energy is activated whenever the candle is lit.

WRITER #4
So why doesn’t the candle melt?

[There is a considerable silence in the room. Each of the writers looks at one another, but no one says anything.]

You didn’t think this far, did you?

WRITER #1
I already talked to production. They’re gonna build us an old Scottish church and home just for this episode. They’re excited. 

WRITER #4
So you’re not going to take any of my advice, are you?

WRITER #2
When you’re inspired – as we were last night – you just have to run with it, dude. 

WRITER #4
Inspired by what?

WRITER #3
Well, I had this idea of Beverly burying her grandmother, only to later watch her Nana rise from the grave.

WRITER #4
So… zombies?

WRITER #1
Well, we have to have the big reveal at the end. Geordi and Data will track the anaphasic energy, and it’ll be… DUN DUN DUN: inside Beverly’s dead grandmother’s coffin!

WRITER #4
WHY?

WRITER #3
Duh, because that’s where it was hiding!

WRITER #4
I thought it was in the candle!

WRITER #2
No, that’s just their energy source.

WRITER #4
But how can it be hiding in the grandmother and grossly violating Beverly at the same time?

WRITER #3
Dude, it’s a ghost story. It’s like… magic or something.

WRITER #4
But you just explained that it’s an alien!

[WRITER #1 slams his hand down on the table. The room goes silent.]

WRITER #1
It’s getting made. I already ran it by the bosses. Let’s just tighten up the story and get it made.

[The Writers Room descends into chaos for a while, but WRITER #4 does not join in. He scribbles in the margins of his Muppets crossover script, his face a portrait of dejection. As the rest of the team shoots suggestions at one another, there’s a lull in the conversation.]

WRITER #4
Have any of you ever heard of The Witching Hour?

WRITER #1
Hmmm? What?

WRITER #4
You know. Anne Rice.

[Silence. WRITER #1 sighs.]

Nevermind. Get back to it.

[FADE TO BLACK]

The video for “Sub Rosa” can be downloaded here for $0.99.

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