In the twenty-eighth episode of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, y’all need Jesus. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to watch FMA:B.
Fucked up. You’re all fucked up.
- fucked
- up
- you all are
- I like how I’ve just taken to blaming all of you for choices I made of my own free will.
- Just accept that I’m going to be an immature mess for the rest of this show because HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW? It fucks with you.
- How am I supposed to address everything that just happened in “Father”? There were like a quarter-million plot twists literally.
- I wonder how many language prescriptivists read my blog and just sit there, fuming, because I’m their worst nightmare.
- Answer: none, because I scared them all away years ago.
- So, “Father” picks up where “Reunion” left off, and I’d like to use Alphonse’s reaction to that first scene as a barometer for my emotional state. This is all happening too fast. Not only does Al discover that Father looks exactly like Hohenheim, but then Edward, Ling, and Envy burst from Gluttony’s stomach. This is the first five minutes.Â
- And then nothing makes sense. This is a constant theme of “Father.” First of all, how the fuck does Father not recognize the Elrics? He uses deductive reasoning to identify them! I – what???
- Then Father admits knowing Hohenheim, but had no clue Hohenheim had children.
- I’M SORRY, THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! How the fuck does Father look like Hohenheim if they barely know one another? I DON’T GET IT.
- I GET NONE OF THIS. I don’t even feel like there’s a shred of a clue in the narrative. How the fuck do they look exactly alike?
- AND THEN FATHER GETS ALL BENEVOLENT AND HEALS AL AND ED AND NO. FUCKING STOP IT. DO NOT CONFUSE ME FURTHER. YOU ARE EVIL, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO NICE THINGS. GO AWAY
- By the way, Father can ignore Equivalent Exchange.
- At this point, saying I’m done with FMA:B and the things it does to me is useless. I was done a long time ago, and now I’ve just given up. This show is ridiculous, relentless, and brutal. I think I’ll go back to blaming all of you for this.
- There’s a prolonged fight sequence in “Father” that’s one of the most intense spectacles we’ve ever seen, which I’m not surprised by since this is a fight with the most powerful alchemist in the whole show. But Father’s secret weapon is… something? I don’t even know how to refer to it. He sends out a form of alchemy that strips the Elrics of their powers, but somehow activates the senses of May, Scar, and Hohenheim? What???
- Who is surprised by Envy revealing he never was going to keep up his end of the deal he made with Edward? Only Edward.
- Wait, what, why is Father going to make a new Homunculus w –
- oh
- oh.
- OH, HE HAS TO USE LING’S BODY FOR THAT.
- YEAH, CAN YOU NOT DO THAT?
- WHAT THE FUCK A THIRD EYE
- OH MY GOD OF COURSE. LING WANTS THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE IN HIM. HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING? THIS IS ALL HE’S EVER WANTED.
- what the fuck is that thing that Ling talks to????????
- I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT, DO THE HOMUNCULI EXIST OUTSIDE OF TIME AND SPACE OR SOMETHING.
- HOW CAN GREED BE THERE I DON’T GET THIS.
- I know it’s horribly, horribly misguided for Ling to do what he does, but there’s a bittersweet subtext to what he does. Yes, he’s greedy. Greed can see that. But he wants to sacrifice his own body because it’ll honor Lan Fan’s sacrifice. It’ll be a way for him to bring honor to his clan and his family. Unfortunately, he thinks his original soul will still be in the body, and he’s mistaken. Greed now owns Ling’s body.
- I can’t believe this is all happening in one episode.
- How does Greed not remember his past existence? Does it reset between lives, or does Father have to do it manually, like he promises to do with Gluttony at the end?
- I’d be happier for all the reunions in this episode, like Xiao-Mei’s and May’s, if they weren’t happening in the worst possible place ever.
- Poor May. She’s heartbroken that her imaginary vision of Edward didn’t live up to the reality. Still… that’s not his fault??? Why are you attacking him???
- So, the only possible explanation as to why May and Scar can still transmutate is because… they’re from the East? That’s literally all I’ve got. I have no idea.
- I was also frightened that both Scar or May would die in this episode.
- I did not expect a temporary Scar/Al alliance.
- Or Gluttony nearly eating May.
- Or Gluttony running out of power.
- OR EDWARD GETTING THE MOST BRIEF, SUBTLE RESPONSE FROM LING. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE????
- I don’t know how they’re going to get out of this. They’re being taken to Bradley, who already controls Mustang and Riza, and Armstrong still has no idea what happened. And is Father going to use a different human to re-create Gluttony? I don’t even want to know.
- This show needs Jesus, I swear.
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