{"id":119,"date":"2011-01-24T11:00:13","date_gmt":"2011-01-24T19:00:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/markwatches.net\/reviews\/?p=119"},"modified":"2011-01-24T11:11:47","modified_gmt":"2011-01-24T19:11:47","slug":"mark-watches-doctor-who-s02e13-doomsday","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/markwatches.net\/reviews\/2011\/01\/mark-watches-doctor-who-s02e13-doomsday\/","title":{"rendered":"Mark Watches ‘Doctor Who’: S02E13 – Doomsday"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the thirteenth and final episode of the second series of Doctor Who<\/em>, the Doctor faces a war between the Daleks and the Cybermen. But will he defeat them if it involves an unbearable sacrifice? If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re intrigued, then it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time for Mark to watch Doctor Who<\/em>.<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been an ongoing difficulty of mine to properly articulate why I like Rose Tyler so much, particularly because as this show has gone on, she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s proven to be not all-that-likable after all. She is uncomfortably selfish, is determined to interject herself into everything, regardless of knowledge and experience, and will often times do things without the slightest thought to what those actions will do to those around her.<\/p>\n

I have waded into the comments on my reviews for this show and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen a lot of you express distaste for the Doctor\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s first companion in the revival series and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve refrained from ever debating the issue with any of you. I understand it. I get it. She isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really the most likable person on television. Who am I to tell you who to enjoy, especially in the realm of fictional narratives?<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sad that it took \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Doomsday\u00e2\u20ac\u009d to finally trigger a coherent reason why<\/em> I am so drawn to this character, gigantic flaws and all, but now I finally know:<\/p>\n

Rose Tyler and myself are alone.<\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t intend for that statement to be a hyperbolic, dramatic sentiment of fleeting sadness. Obviously, there are people in my life who I am close with, I have a semblance of a normal family these days, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had a boyfriend or two in my years. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all to an extent, though, and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s always been very difficult for me to explain this to anyone.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll start by referencing something I spoke about briefly during one of my Mark Watches \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcFirefly\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 reviews<\/a> because it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a great anchor to start at. My atheism mostly started out as an instantaneous rebellion against the God I was raised with, and then the God who abandoned me when I sought him\/her\/it out in my teens. It was the only way I knew how to express the absurd emptiness I felt inside of me, and it was only years later, after a lot of reading and talking with many people, that I felt I was able to pin down a sense of cosmic loneliness as the reason for my struggle against a deity. The label \u00e2\u20ac\u0153atheist\u00e2\u20ac\u009d worked for me, as it does for others, because I knew that it was nothing but a lie to say that there was something else out there in the universe, at least for me.<\/p>\n

That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s obviously a very personal view at the macro sense of the universe, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve refrained for many years discussing how that relates to me in the micro sense of the word. I am not just lonely. I am alone.<\/p>\n

I generally don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t share this with people because most will quickly try to point out and erase this sensation as quickly as possible.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153But Mark, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been friends for years. Am I not good enough?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Surely you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been close with at least one person, right?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even feel close with your brother or your mom?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mark, if you felt that way, why would you stay with a boyfriend for three years?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

I suppose that, on the surface, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all valid points. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not alone in the physical sense all that often, but for any of you who have dealt with depression, loneliness, and (I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get to how this relates) abuse, you too understand that being alone is almost never<\/em> a physical state. You can have thousands of people around you and still sense that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re standing in an arid desert, devoid of the human interaction that seems to come so easily to everyone else.<\/p>\n

I first became aware that something was different with me after I moved from Boise, Idaho down to Riverside, CA. In Boise, my brother and I were the only dark-skinned kids in our classes and only two of a very tiny handful of people who weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t white in the entire school. I was made aware of this state even more aggressively when I moved to a city that was NOT overwhelmingly white and now, my brother and I stuck out like sore thumbs. We were students who looked<\/em> like everyone else, but we were the only ones who didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t speak Spanish. And we were treated as outcasts for this.<\/p>\n

This pattern continued for me through all of my public schooling, through my years in college, and for a few years after that<\/em>. It seemed easy for me to simply place the blame on other people and ignore the fact that there was something at work deep inside me that made me feel such a glaring disconnect from the people I would meet or the people I would see every day of my life. (Can we just call this Speshul Snowflake Disease? Because I most certainly had it there for a while.)<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not an issue of being different because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not at all that different from most people. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s an issue of love, affection, and the disconnect that occurs in my brain when I experience these things.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to think that Mark Reads Harry Potter<\/em> helped to free a lot of what has happened to me from the pain it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been causing me for years. I believe that, even at a young age, I was always a person who was filled with an overflowing amount of love and I believed that I could give it to anyone, that I could care for people and make them happy. Over the years, this has manifested in rather obvious ways, such as my constant desire to do nice things for people, even if it is at direct expense to my own well-being, or to seek out affection from people (again) even if it is at direct expense to my own well-being. I crave affection and praise all the time and criticism and negativity can actually trigger depression. Yes, it is literally that extreme sometimes and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing I wish more some days that my brain would just work and not associate these things with each other.<\/p>\n

But I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not my fault and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the real important thing about this. I know that my affinity for affection was only amplified by the abuse and bullying I experienced growing up, that my need for affection was only increased as I was exponentially denied it for so long. Perhaps that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s even the reason why I feel this way. I think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m ok saying that.<\/p>\n

I am alone. At all times, in all places, in all situations. This is not hyperbole. When I am having a conversation with you, no matter who you are, I feel that I have no real, genuine connection to you. I feel like you have experienced a world I will never come to learn or one I was never given. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not that your life is better than mine or that mine is better than yours. When I see people who get along and understand everything there is to know about each other, I know that I have never felt that. When I see people talk to each other naturally, with things in common, I know that, at best, I’m merely pretending. I never quite feel real.<\/p>\n

It manifests itself in many ways and in many groups of people. Even after spending years with them, I never felt that I fit in with my band. Or my coworkers. Or my family. Or my close circle of friends. I’m easily triggered by things and reminded of my childhood, so in every day conversations, I’ve learned to suppress the haunting feelings of despair and physical pain that can come up by someone merely saying a word or reminding me of a show I once watched or a song I just heard. It’s almost as if there is a second conversation happening inside of me simultaneous to what is happening outside of me.<\/p>\n

It honestly took me writing my reviews for Harry Potter<\/em> for me to even be able to talk about this, but being abused and bullied ruined me. I don’t think I’ll ever revert back to the kid I was before any of that happened.<\/p>\n

This is not to say I have not progressed since I was a teenager and, actually, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve improved a lot since this sensation first became apparent. It also directly relates to Doctor Who<\/em>. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been in a long relationship and while I certainly felt alone the entire time, I got REALLY close to that feeling finally going away. It didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, but it was the first time I felt it subside in my life.<\/p>\n

I remember the feeling when I ran away from home back when I was 16. Or the day I started college. Or the first day in my apartment in Silverlake, or the day I moved to Oakland or stepping into The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Those were good days, freeing days, days I felt that maybe I had a hope of experiencing life in a more normal way.<\/p>\n

Fuck, I hate using that word. Normal. But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how else to express it. I want it and I crave and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how else to change it. So, instead, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve simply accepted it. I was a loner as a kid and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve come to truly embrace it because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure it will ever<\/em> go away.<\/p>\n

There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a moment in \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Doomsday\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that struck me with a visceral power: Rose Tyler just got taken to the parallel universe by Pete and she rests against the wall that once held the bridge, foolishly hoping that maybe the Doctor can sense that she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s on the other side. And maybe he actually can, as he lingers on his side of the void. Devastated, Rose begins to cry harder and then the Doctor walks away and FLOODWORKS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.<\/p>\n

I understand that Rose is flawed and I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t argue with that, but there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a part of me that will always be able to empathize with Rose\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s frantic desire to feel like she belongs, to feel that there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s someone out there who can take away her sense of loneliness and boredom. It took me two full series to understand it, but now I know why she was willing to give up her mother and her boyfriend to be with the Doctor: he made her feel less alone.<\/p>\n

THOUGHTS<\/p>\n